De-clutter Your Room, De-clutter Your Life

i was so inspired by oprah's de-cluttering segment today on hallmark that i decided to de-clutter my room. now if you know me really well, i tend to keep mementos. i actually believe that keeping them means they exist, and that the events did occur in my life and not just a figment of my imagination.

so i set about to de-clutter. first and foremost i start with my work desk. the place where i do ALMOST everything. i eat at my table, i surf the net, i watch movies and yes i do watch it online so fuck off if you think i shouldn't: like you're so holy.

i pounce on my bookshelves (my many many books, and my many many memories) and when i saw my old organizers, i almost wanted to stop my insane act, but i persevered and held on and shoved it down the chute before i had a chance to re-think.



i did gave myself a couple of minutes to read the stuff i wrote. i even had some of my old flames' love letters. needless to say i dumped them all. sorry loved ones.

now if you're inspired by me, or need more inspiration, have a look at this video about de-cluttering. its not the same segment as oprah but this guy happen to be one of the reason why i decided to de-clutter. his tips were all so useful! who knows you might be inspired and dump all those unwanted stuff. unwanted stuff are usually unwanted memories. good luck!

and i watched 'new moon' already. while i prefer twilight, new moon was pretty ok. i didnt like the book, so i had mixed reactions to the movie, but it was ok. not as bad as i expected. over-hyped but then again, its robert pattison anyway. :)

Crabbing & Cooking

dugong brought me to go crabbing on saturday night. it was more of him fishing, me sleeping and crabbing. it was pretty gore at first hour. i had to cut fish, bloody and all hook it up onto the cage and lower it into the sea. dugong even dropped one and had to use his rod to pick it up. that was pretty funny and intense, for a moment there i thought he was going to jump into the sea. changi beach was pretty murky and the water did look rather deep, plus we were alone - so help was like miles and miles away.

anyway i wound up catching 3 mudcrabs and 4 flower crabs, but being the noob that i am in crabbing, i released the mudcrabs since i wasnt sure if it can be eaten. the 4 remaining ones i decided to cooked a storm at the kitchen. i included the recipes for this ones, just incase you decide to try them out. bon appetit!

kerabu timun

1 whole cucumber
30gm dried shrimp (Soak to soften) - You can use anchovies also
Sambal belacan
5 Lime
1 Bunga Kantan (Sliced)
1 Big onion (Sliced)

Method

With 2 tbsp of oil, fry the shrimp and the sambal belacan. Mix it thoroughly.

De-skinned, and de-seed the cucumber. Cut into small pieces. Salt it for 10 minutes, wash and drain.

On a separate bowl, squeeze the juice of the lime, mix in the cucumber and the shrimp paste. Put in chiller. When ready to eat, mix in the bunga kantan and onion.

Serve!

ayam masak lemak cili padi

Ingredients

1 whole chicken or roughly 8 pieces of wings, marinated in 2tbsp of tumeric and 2 tsp of salt and a little water. Fry till 1/2 cooked.

*to be grounded* - I blend. I like it to be mix thoroughly. Traditionally you should pound it. *

2 big spanish onions
6 cloves of garlic
an inch of ginger
2 inches of fresh tumeric (if not available,1 tbsp of tumeric powder will do)
1 tbsp of dried shrimps, soaked to soften
2 tbsp of belacan
10 -12 bird's eye chilli (if you want it more pedas just add more chilli)

2 cups of water
1 piece of dried tamarind
3 pieces of kaffir lime leaves
salt to taste
a tsp of sugar
200ml of thick coconut milk (the packet one will do)

Method

Heat abt 3 tbsp of oil. Saute the ground ingredients till fragrant and cooked. Add water. When it's rapidly boiling,add the chicken, dried tamarind, salt, sugar, kaffir leaves and coconut milk and stir till cooked. At this stage, keep it to a simmer, stirring always to avoid 'splitting' the coconut cream. Adjust taste and remove from heat. Serve.

black pepper crab

3 tbsp. vegetable oil
3 garlic cloves, peeled and finely chopped
1 tbsp. peeled and finely chopped fresh ginger
2 tbsp. oyster sauce
2 tbsp. dark soy sauce
2 tbsp. thin soy sauce
1 tbsp. sugar
2 tbsp. coarsely ground black pepper
Fresh kafir leaves (Daun limau) - Optional. I use this to counter the spiciness of the pepper, entirely up to you. You could use cilantro leaves also.

1. Heat oil in a wok or a large skillet over high heat. Sauté crab pieces 2 minutes. Remove from pan and set aside.
2. Turn down heat to medium; add garlic, ginger, and chiles. Cook 3 minutes, stirring frequently. Add oyster sauce, dark soy sauce, thin soy sauce, and sugar and kaffir leaves. Reduce heat to low and simmer 30 seconds.
3. Add pepper and return crab to wok; stir until coated with sauce.
4. Serve!

Thank You God...

i have something to share with all of you today.

i know some of you are waiting for the results of my last thyroid test, and after waiting for a whole month, with me constantly biting my nails in frantic worry, today the doctor from SGH (thank you dr tan for all your patience) declared the lump in my throat to be benign. though it did grow a bit, 0.1cm, it was nothing compared to the next piece of news when he thought there's nothing to worry and i'm thyroid cancer free! off course this means i still have to come back every 6 month for a review and a top up of my thyroxine which is to replace my hormones.

you cannot imagine what a wreck i've been and although i try not to show it, i was worried. worried because the doctors did thought it might be cancerous, worried because i did wonder, whats next? as children i've always believed that cancerous patients are skinny and bald... and when my doctors told me that there are patients who put on weight or look significantly normal and some did not even know till they were in their final stages it did shook me up.

how fragile life is...

despite the fact that my total medical fees set me back at sgd$350 just for today alone, it was small change for that wonderful piece of news.

so thank you... to you who have showered me with a prayer, a thought, a blessing. i may not be able to do so personally, but i am nevertheless grateful...

sungguhnya aku bersyukur padamu ya Allah... Alhamdullillah...

Goodbye... Again...

it is with great sadness that i'm leaving st james... yet again. well not really that sad, it was expected but i didn't expect to stay this long with the company. i left previously in march, and afterwards took on projects, nothing full time, until daniel called me back and asked me to help out co-ordinating bufferman and glenn till year end. what was suppose to be an easy project took on its own toil. i got sick with IBS and was often on medical leave, bufferman has his 1001 issues, and Glenn being Glenn was busy being drama-mama. things couldn't kick off till now, and even then it was because i registered them on my own, and did not wait any longer. the more i wait, the more i will be here.

don't get me wrong. its pretty fun to work here, i get free booze every night, great people to work with (some... not all) and there's always drama, gossips to go around. infact if you think about it: st james have enough drama to compete with the hills, or gossip girls, and we will WIN. hands down. maybe because of the hours or the number of days that we contribute here, its almost norm to bitch about someone as soon as they walk past, what else is there to talk about? you see the same people close to 55 hours a week. somehow, somewhere you just have gotta bitch. we have internal affairs here. its norm for some of us to change partners, flirt secretly, and for those strongly committed to their partners, often find their strength tested. its no secret that there were staff caught making out in the bottle store, or cheating on their partners. its a lonely world despite working for singapore's largest entertainment complex. i used to joke that the reasons people enjoy staying here long was because at home, its simply way too depressing.

i still do by the way.

have i learn anything from this experience?

plenty. i learnt that even if i think i can make a difference to a place, if the place or the person is unwilling to allow me to make changes then there is no point thinking i can do it. while i know i tried i don't think i made an impact big enough to take over st james. customer service, staff welfare will still remain the same, but at least i know this time round, i don't make my emotions known as previously. back then, i would have gone nuts trying to be happy but now i just let it go. like dugong said, "there is really no point trying to recommend changes when your team are not doing it..."

am i biting the same hand that's feeding me?

no i'm not. i am grateful for this experience, but if i could turn back time, i would be more careful with my choices. i would not just jump every time i think there's a possibility for me to make a change somewhere. before i go however i want to clear some things up. i know nobody's going to read it but it would make me feel better clearing these on my blog than to voice it out anywhere else. if its one thing i learn from bufferman, shut your issues, not EVERYBODY's interested. :)

1. the drunkard story - not true. according to daniel i was drunk all the time and only know how to drink and nothing more. truth was i was drinking virgin maries, occasionally indulging in white wine or some days. most of the time i gave my drinks privileges to the ground staff or to bridget when she stays in late.

2. the not-working story - not true. i was suppose to work on a total of 7 modules. streamline 3 modules, develop 2, assist 2. i streamline 3 modules which bufferman and Glenn did, (OK so bufferman got Nad to do, and Glenn just copied everything from Wiki), develop 1 (the other one in process), assist 2 (can't assist since they JUST start their class only today). i can't develop however since the performance criteria, and competency element was only given to me only a week before the new year. so imagine these, i was developing my module blindly. fortunately i had ACTA lecturers who were willing to lend a helping hand. otherwise, i can just go hang myself.

3. breach-of-contract story - not true. i wasn't offered any contract nor did i have any contract. its more of verbal agreement. i agree to stay for a few months with them, wait out bufferman and Glenn to finish their modules (3 months) and leave. if everything HAD followed accordingly to the plan, it would have been end of 2009. but nooo... everyone must start their drama.

4. take-over-bufferman - you're kidding me right? take over him for what fuck? daniel did ask me to stay for a year, and be training manager, but i turned him down. i was not going to stay that long seriously.

5. no-buddy story - pretty true. its seriously lonely for me here. i'm not close to anyone so usually i have lunch or dinner on my own. that's why its impossible for me to be a drunkard all the time since who the fuck would i go drinking with? since zully left, i don't have anyone to hang out with. i can't even hang out with hershey kisses since she seems to hate me big time, so i'm on my own. occasionally when i'm lucky i have someone to hang out with. otherwise, its just me and my E63.

6. leaving for greener pastures - semi true. haha. greener pastures is only coming in april. in the meantime i have to sit out and wait since my HMC project is cancel till next year. anyone looking for part-time staff? and no - i can't guarantee you a spot in marina bay sands, or resorts world. who the hell started this stupid rumour anyway?

7. made-a-pass-at-a-bartender - that story... that headline alone is getting stale. do you honestly think i have that much of a time to 'make-a-pass' at some kid? i do hang out at a particular bar, especially when i like the music, but to attempt a pass, is seriously not me. i admit that i pestered a bartender for a cocktail recipe, but to go further? no way my people. it takes more to get me over to your camp. you got to at least be able to think with your brain and not your a**.

8. introduce-too-many-courses - true. i did send them out to quite a bit of ESS courses, but only because of the feedback i received on my first week back here. most of them were itching to break away from the monotonicity of routine so i send. besides - its only sgd$20 per person. sheesh.

9. encouraging people to leave - semi true. depends on who i'm talking to, and depends on what angle. if they want to continue their studies, i would say 'hell yeah' but if they are asking opinions on breaking grounds i ask them to talk to their therapists.

10. can't get along with people - again it depends on who you talk to. otherwise, if i don't hang out with the people here, how the hell do i even get along? i stay out of their way as far as i'm concern. everyone seems to have this pained look on them. its all way too surreal for me.

so there. its all out. i can breathe easy. for a while.

all the best you guys. i'll come by for a visit whenever i can... but in the meantime - keep holding on, hold the fort, stay true, and most of all: keep your ethics please.

goodbye st james.

for the second time in my lifetime. ;)

Pick & Choose

help me out here.

on 23rd i have a very important interview with sass atlantic. its a make-or-break deal and i'm very excited at being invited for the interview.

because this is by invitation only, all the more i want to go since i have waited for more than a year for this interview to come through.

my only problem is this - i have a short holiday trip to phuket, thailand.

i have always wanted to go to phuket, but on the other hand i'm pretty broke so i should even go actually, on the other hand i REALLY want to go.

but if i go for the interview then i can't possibly go for phuket and vice versa. in other words: i have to choose.

*gasps*

i know i know. only i would have and face this kind of problems.

i can't reschedule the interview since they are here in singapore for only one day, and i can't refund the tickets since its already book. why should i do? what do you guys think? should i stay for sass atlantic despite not knowing my chances, or should i just sunbake myself in phuket and risk it all?

an opportunity that cannot be missed? or a holiday at one of my dream destination?

Giving All You Got...

its all about trying, even when we quarrel, exhausted all means of salvation... when you refuse to give up, it makes me want to try just as hard or harder.

even though i'm exhausted ayang...so damn exhausted.

but i will try, because i love you... because i want to spend a lifetime with you, because you make me happy (...when you don't piss me off), because you shake my very core, turn me inside out, mess with my head, and yet when you hold me to sleep...

at times i actually believe that is all enough.

thats what love is all about isn't it?

keep on trying, making it work, not giving it up... giving it your best shot...

Too Much Loving Could Just Kill You

when you walk in late, 6 hours late from your agreed time... i was not angry. as a matter of fact i feel resigned, defeated. entahlah kali ke berapa yang kau dah mungkir janji, but this time round i just feel resigned. i wasn't sad, aku tak ngagis pun satu malam, infact i was on the net, surfing, watching TV, chatting with friends whom i decided not to meet because kau cakap kita nak gi pancing pukul 6 pagi dan tak akan pulang lewat.

i have a confession.

when you walk down the stairs, aku dah tahu kau tak akan pulang pukul 2. when you start to bodek-bodek before you leave, kononnya macam nak manja-manja dengan aku kan, dah lagi reinstate my thoughts, and when anjas; my infamous sidekick wanted to make a bet with me that you would not be home until after 6am, i gave up. that was definitely a sign of things to come. aku ni dah tahu benar dengan perangai kau tu...

if you ask around, many would say you are the luckiest bastard around - not because aku ni hot stuff ke, or aku ni pramugari ke, but simply because the freedom i give to you is unbelievable and whatever you request (or demand) i give in. dalam banyak-banyak relationships aku (selain daripada hasrin & syawal) i stayed loyal, and i try my darnest to change for the better for you. the rest i can't even be bother since i don't believe in monogamy. didn't i make that clear to you when we first got together, but you said so lovingly that you can make things work, and so i give it a shot and try - and God knows i've tried. tapi makin hari belalu, aku feel like aku have fail and all my confidence just seem to seep away from me, and i just don't have this strength to go on anymore.

because kau rasa i'm in your face all the time, i only see you in the weekends, kalau kau club atau pancing, make it half the weekend. we don't go out or meet my friends, because sahajalah excuse hebat for the day. remember NYE? remember movie night? remember NY bbq? you request for friday to be a boys' night, aku mengalah even though aku tak berapa suka. make it a weekly thing pulak tu, and don't bring GFs at all. aku mengalah.

i admit i can be anal, a worrywart, i don't fuss over my looks like other girls do, but at the same time i would have thought i also have some good qualities about me otherwise why would some people sanggup leave their marriages for me? why shouldn't i accept their offer? pasal aku tak nak pecahkan rumahtangga orang... simple as that. i don't bother clearing up the air, because someday they will know. i don't need to bullshit my way through.

i remember once, you told me to 'fuck off'... sejahat-jahat aku pun, belum pernah aku maki kau in your face. bpb kata sabah, pasal kau mabuk. aku diam, who likes it when someone fucks them in their face? i think i'm the only one in this world who actually allows it to happen. or when you told me never to ask you to say 'i-love-you' cause i should already know it by now...

it all feels like a stupid, screwed up joke. never to say 'i-love-you' cause i already know it? sheesh. mungkin sebab itulah makin lama kita makin disconnected from each other. kau acted all iri hati bila anjas ambil aku dari kerja, but my question to you is kenapa kau tak nak buat? oh thats right, cause you're tired.

tapi kalau jumpa kawan kau halfway across the country, hujan ke ribut, penat tak penat tu semua secondary.

and the final straw came, when kau masih pretend yang kau ni single and aku tak wujud dalam hidup kau. that kau pretend yang kita belum tunang, or that i don't even exist in your life infront of some of your friends or colleagues.

that ayang...even i don't do.

exactly 1 year ago i turn down hong kong offer to stay in singapore to be with you.

that decision proves to have cost me not just my sanity, but my ego and pride as well.

and for the second time in my life, i am saying this to you as i've said it to KJA. checkmate. you win. i don't wish to play these mind games anymore. its tiring. i'm exhausted, and i can't lead a normal life. for you. aku sanggup tak buat wedding, cuma majlis pernikahan, since you keep saying that you won't do it, and you will only turn up should i insist on a persandingan, i've give in...when we talk about pregnancies and how you won't allow me to enjoy the full scale of it by breaking a superstition belief to keep on fishing, i kept mum. even that you won't give me? i chose tubal ligation.

the extent of what i would do to keep you happy, is unbelievable. tapi tak apa, aku relakan segala yang sudah terjadi. mungkin ini semua suratan takdir daripada Allah S.A.W. and i'm not in the position to fight it. i wish you well ayang. maybe the reason why you always hold back the good stuff on me, is probably because i'm not the one...

and for that i'm really sorry.

God knows i love you, but somehow even that is not enough.

talk about losing a bet in the worse way possible.

anjas predicted you would only come home at 5am, and i replied arrogantly, confidently that you would be no later than 2.

left to be made a fool yet again by you.

you dont keep your promises. you dont think highly of me anymore. you think i got clumpy coloured hair. you think i have a strange fashion sense. if i'm not that perfect for you, why would you choose me? wouldnt it be easier to just choose somemore within your category or standards?

i was so hoping you could prove anjas wrong.

instead you choose to prove me wrong.