The Ups & Downs of Life

Dear Heart...

2012-01-18T15:59:00.001+08:00

dear heart,

i can hear your heart breaking last night and i am sorry. i didn't mean to make you suffer for the past years. what i thought was amazing turns out to be not.

i have agreed to let him go to save whatever bits you have left, and in return i asked that you hold yourself strong for someone special to come along. in return i hope that you'd prayed that the next guy who comes along, would love you for who you are, and not one penny less.

whatever memories you have, will serve as fond memories... i promise i will pick up the pieces and try to mend it, but i know you like my brain, is resillient and will come back better than ever. i'm sorry it took me years to realise, but i know now that i am not that terrible a person, i'm actually pretty awesome, and its not my lost if he didnt see it.

hang in there.

Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012

2011-12-31T18:57:00.000+08:00

2011 came and left with a bang and somehow now we have come to the end of the year and ushers in 2012.

for a while, i wonder what had been different this year than the other years. i had a fruitful career growth. i got promoted not once but twice in a year and i learnt that people will always be looking for ways to bring you down, but is that not life?

i wonder again too if dugong is finally ready for marriage and do i still have to wait? i wonder too if i am done with nightlife and if i should do something else and for now call it quits.

but seeing that i'm blogging these fast and furious... i thought i bring for you the pictures and maybe come back to blogging again next year. (well in a couple of hours to be fair.) i did not bring down my camera though i am starting to think that i should instead of just leaving it at home to collect dust.

hosted a staff party at the club where all the staff had to bring a gift no less than a $20 gift value and this year i won a justin bieber dr dre beats earpiece. i am so lovin' it!

the unsung heroes for the night. went crazy and chaotic and yes... it was a wonderfully amazing night. even though i was ready to flung my shoes at someone.. and yes i broke 2 pairs of heels in one night. go figure.

happy new year everyone! x

In the midst of November...

2011-12-14T08:21:00.003+08:00

In so many ways I have learnt to love and enjoy diving. The fact that I am gettng and better serves as a motivation for me to push forward and begin to test boundaries in the sea. I dare not say that I am good at it, but I dare say I am getting better by each dive. I descend better, my air last longet, and for the love of God.. I have panic lesser.

I know my likes and dislikes. I know I do not enjoy sandy bottom, nor macro. Searching the vast sea like a game, leaves me annoyed with a major headache. I know I love reefs and I have not gotten sick of them. I enjoy LOB more than staying at resorts despite the initial seasick and I hate diving in a pack. I realize I wear my suit from the left, followed by 1 glove, and then the right side. I love tying my hair in pigtails when I dive, and I do not like chaotic and messy divers.

So this week in rainy, rainy sweet December I dived at Manado, Sulawesi in Indonesia along with Dugong and ScubaShot SG. The thing about diving with close friends, they feel like family and you feel safe. You know that someone is always watching out for you and keeping your fingers cross that nothing bad happens to you, you are ensure of a safe and enjoyable dive.

Someone was asking me, what are the three rules I follow in diving? As a sharp retort,I came back with, "When it comes to diving, I follow 3 rules: Turn on your own air, check you have weights and place your faith in God." Somehow, it clicks, makes sense and made me ponder if I could ever apply these in life. It has been a year since I have joined KDT SG, and more often than not I have begin to wonder if I should stay or go. My ex OM has now joined us, and though I feel relieve and all the more I would to leave knowing that the club could not have gotten a better person. I feel that I should break free and do more out of life instead of these, but yet I just do not know where to begin.

The other night, my staff asked me if I could imagine my life alone, spending tge next 30 - 40 years by myself. The future looks bleak. I cannot imagine going through decades all by myself. Even with many cats, dogs or hamsters, nothing beats the cuddle of someone on a cold rainy night.

In this tech, savvy world that we lived and loved, people find the idea of living by yourself appealling but when you're sick, upset at the lemons life has thrown at you, you begin to wonder, why didn't I fight harder for love? Or look harder for love? Idealistic as it sounds, is it not love that keeps us going?

Celine Dion in the background, coffee by my sight, I wish I have a cigar or a cigarette in my hand (but it has been 3 years since I quit with no plans of turning back) and someone to debate with me on this lovely Wednesday morning before my flight, but sadly there are no one only joyful laughter surrounding me. Something I should be thankful for, which I am.

17 more days before we bid adieu to 2011 and we welcome in 2012.. And as always I get very nostalgic as the year comes to an end. Very often I found myself wondering, haveI grown more over the months? Wiser... Not waist size though.

How was your year? Did you finally found the love of your life? More fulfilment? Have you discover the secret to turning back time? Or the fountain of youth perhaps? What are your new year's resolution?

I hope you guys are well and ready for 2012... And most of all I hope 2012 will be kind to you as 2011 and the previous years had been.

Hello Maldives!

2011-11-08T01:27:00.007+08:00

you guessed it right! i have been away for a whole week - away from home, away from work and all the way to Maldives for diving!

admittedly i was rarely on the island save for that one trip where we did our shopping on male with exorbitant prices, i was mostly on amphibiya cruise boat which house all 20 if us including the boat crew. so we literally eat, dive, sleep there for a whole week.

and i enjoyed it way more than staying at a resort. it was great bonding session and of course my diving ego took a boost here in Maldives. i was so scared shitless prior to arriving. after all i have heard stories of how strict they are with divers here and i was only equipped with my open water certification and was the only amateur diver next to the 15+ professionals who have had more than 30 dives on their own accord.

went with an open heart, and all the way before every dive, i said a prayer just remind myself to float and breathe and never panic.

so anyway, it turns out i'm the best diver out of all the ladies there says the tech diver who clocked his 500th dive there. my buoyancy was better, i descend more smoothly after a few tries and i was more calmer than usual. all in all, it made me like diving 100 times more now! :)

Reaching Maldives airport. pretty much everything is on its own individual island. there were so many unclaimed island similar like Indonesia!

water so crystal clear, you could see the fishes and identify them without going inside the water at all. it was amazing!

My favourite lady divers... They brought so much laughter with their antics and bitchy bites on life and diving!

this is the boat that we stayed on. don't mock the size, it carries a punch and had mad awesome crew to deck. check out their website if you have a group of 20 who wants to check out the site but can't afford the hotels. (yes... its true... one night tsya USD$500 at least.)

my man who brings me to all these lovely places with no questions asked! guys, please take a leaf from his page on how to make your woman feel extra special.

(P/S: he did pissed me off on the trip though. like a sergeant with me on diving but like the sweetest teacher to the other divers. sheesh. i was so annoyed with him that i refused to talk to him for a day and dived on my own. er-hem... see the confidence boost? )

on our way to the fish market, no surprises that their staple diet would be fish since they are after all surrounded by the ocean. fishes that were 10 times larger than your foot and selling at USD$120 per fish. with the US dollar at a low, you can call it a steal!

yellow fin tunas. i never knew they grew this big! it was like gawking on something sci-fi! how can they grow so massively huge like this?

would i return for another visit? a definite "YES"!

Hello Aur!

2011-10-03T15:07:00.005+08:00

..powerful grace that lies
in herbs, plants, stones, and their qualities
for naught so vile that on the earth doth live
but to earth some special food doth give

~ willian shakespeare~

i am beginning to love diving. fine - so i am still not that fantastic but i like to think (plus dugong says so) that i am getting better. in fact MUCH better than i was in may. i equalize better, i descend better, i float better, breathe better, still not a pro, but at least i am getting there.

i hit aur, mersing for the weekend and the journey was treacherous. 4 hours of bus, 4 hours of boat ride just for 4 dives? gila kamu athena! but i reckon, it was worth every damn minute. the view was awesome, corals were better and of course, the fishes... were so much larger. i saw titan trigger, bumphead fish, emperor angel, several nudibranch... the list just goes on.

i also took my fujifilm fx200 for this trip to test the camera. had about 90% awful shots but i had plenty of new tips and advice from abang mawi and abang acit. they were so helpful! i had to end my day by not charging my battery properly (though to date i blame the ISO and white balance). had a couple of great ones though they rest were abysmal but hey at least i score high for my buoyancy!

showcasing a couple of shots i took. way too embarrassed for the rest so you guys have to make do with these. gonna get better, especially before maldives with dugong!!! feels like honeymooning lah!

anyway, i would have had more awesome shots if i had being more careful and brought up the spare battery and recharged them both. on my 2nd and 3rd dive i saw more beautiful and stunning creatures beyond my wildest dreams and also because i'm looking through the eyes of a lens, i'm seeing them more up close and personal, more willing to touch them, poke and probe, and yes i also believe i may have killed a coral by accident. again the key word is accident.

strong current had my nerves going jiggly but we had more than 3 DMs onboard. talk about safe and secure! off course the recent fishing accident near Aur had me worried which was why i was so happy that dugong tagged along in the end. i wouldn't dive anywhere without him. no way!

so i hope your weekend's going well. there is still 2 more slots available for Maldives with Scubashot so if you guys are keen to join give them a call. no worries - i am definitely not your dive master or guide. have more things to be concern about, like myself so you can relax!

too bad monsoon season hits Malaysia mid Sept, no more diving till next year! oh bummer, so for now have to make do with overseas dives, or pool dives. oh well... better than nothing anyway, plus i gotta improve my dive proficiency. till the next log you guys, be good stay safe and keep on diving!

SanDisk and Me

2011-09-28T15:06:00.002+08:00

i am pissed as hell right now.

i lost my thumb-drive, and what annoys me most - it was not due to my stupidity that i lost it. it was due to someone else's stupidity and now i have to effin' pay for it! and oh god... there is so many details in that TD.

from my operation needs, my schedule, holiday snapshots with dugong, all that and more now nothing more than just a faded memory. oh boy. i am pissed. sure as hell pissed.

right now, i just want to go for the throat and get it over and done with.

never mess with my TD, now go find it!

Stereo Hearts

2011-09-27T05:31:00.004+08:00

i have been terrible and i know. i have been away for far too long, busy with work, trapped with the needs of society that i have been neglecting my blog and i am guilty as charged. so i wonder: if i tell you, my dear readers that i search far and wide for an amazing video for you, will you forgive me?

i believe i last blog somewhat in august, no wait... it looks like july. oh boy. the guilt just keeps adding up huh? august went by, and now we're coming to the end of september. is it not quick? dear god... please slow down time. i do not wish to age too fast. too many things that i have not achieve nor done yet. feels like time moves so much faster now. things just seems to whisk away without me noticing.

so please allow me to say goodbye to August and September... and let's welcome October along with Maldives. hey you... bring me more pleasures, happiness and wealth please...

i went diving again and heck i think i got at least 10% better than last time. save the fact that i went diving without weights and i refuse to go inside the water when the waves were hard on me but heck! i saw a turtle, cuttlefish and nudibranch! amazing stuff. of course it doesn't hurt that i am not the proud proud owner of Fuji F200. underwater photography is just gonna rock my boat!

august also brought me my new ipad 2, along with swanky new heels from Jayvee as his farewell present. i was so sad to see the boy go but well he is moving on to become an assistant manager with the wine company and i think.. he should be more successful from now on.

i wine and dined like a mini celebrity at waku ghin and daniel boulud! i cannot, cannot be more impressed than this. i love it. it was amazing! the food were simply beautiful. it was like they were placed on top of each other, with its main purpose to serve: perfection.

take this sea urchin, caviar and prawn on ice. to date, i am still unable to describe the taste. soft, creamy.. buttery. slightly salty but oh.. so perfect.

now i promise to behave a bit more, except my phone is going bonkers on me hence i am unable to take pictures. need to send my darling for repair and i am.. needless to say... worried like hell. i will try my best to write soon, and if i am as usual being the slow-mo turtle.. save a prayer for me. <3 you guys. x

I Just Came To Say Hello

2011-08-01T19:02:00.002+08:00

someone quick, ask me where i was last spotted?

fort canning, baby, for neon trees concert brought to you by ever friendly LAMC productions team. you guys know how i rarely do PR and attend concerts so i was pretty cornered when i was asked by champ to go for the concert. on one hand i don't know the band, but on the other hand i have two pretty ladies who really wanted to go.

so what do i do? i went.

but the next time i ever do go for such concert i am bringing cash. i am never attending concerts where i don't bring solid cash. i was confident that the place accepts card that at the start of the night i was taking handouts from my girls. bleargh. note to self: start withdrawing more cash please.

and off course work has been pretty solid lately. we had a new ACM who joined us all the way from vegas and have many exciting tips to share. he's a bit aloof from all of us but generally he's ok in my books. last saturday during kinky malinki week, we even had tony morris from BBC joining us to cover DJ Prok & Fitch. nice. i was so lucky to be able to sit in beside the man. he is truly a humble chap. very nice and he tweets!

i even had old regulars (sam and lily who also just got married!) joining me for a session at the top, which was of course added bonus for myself. i think many knows how much i love to take photos so to have people taking photos of me and be with me was a total added bonus!

i did my own nails for july and i thought they turned out really friggin' awesome. come on - take a look at them. how can you ever disagree? i thought they looked amazing! so anyway i'm right handed so i did my left with ease and had little problem, but boy-oh-boy it was another story when it came to my right side. i was using my left hand to paint the nails, place the stickers and glazed them. i swear it felt like one shot one kill. holding my breathe, aim... nail!

talk about 100% effort ok. gosh. even sex is not as intense as this. kidding, kidding.

and my friends, may i now present to you... my awesome brand new d4 suunto, courtesy of dugong. a surprise from him before he went to aur. oh gosh how i love that man. i was saving for the watch and could only go up to $100 and i swear i was close to giving up when he springs this lovely surprise on me. oh honey i love you! not just for the gift but for going the mile for me.

i was really not expecting this. i was so bowled over that i could not help grinning all night long, and i swear i annoyed amanda and maisie for showing them the picture of my d4 all night long. and knowing that i'm going maldives with him somehow just wants to make me cuddle him all night long. sorry ayang i know how you hate being cuddle!

i know this is seriously evil to the max but i am so not trying to gloat at other's misery, but when dugong sent me a picture of my new watch, lydia was at the same time in misery for being dumped at the jewellery's shop. ooh burn. nothing against her, but talk about irony. there is one lover presenting a gift to his love, and the other lover getting dumped by her love at a jewelery shop.

ok kinda exaggerating. she wasn't dumped lah, but apparently she was supposed to get a ring by her partner, and somehow the partner didn't turn up, and she had gone all over the shop and chose a ring, and all he had to do was come in, smile and pay, kiss and go for dinner. something like that. what HAD happen instead was, she tried on dozen of rings, inquire on the prices, waited for almost 45 minutes at the shop, and walked away humiliated.

damn boy - you never - NEVER - ever leave a girl at the ring shop unattended. the humiliation. the drama. the chaos.

so anyway, needless to say, they never spoke.

drama kan?

anyway, i sure hope you guys have exciting plans for august. its the holy month of ramadhan for all muslims out there and i am pleased to have been able to fast through the first day. syukur... i was a bit worried that i would faint from hunger, but heck - i survived!

i'm gonna keep you guys updated on more events, so you can always follow me on twitter @athenastars for more details. follow for more of my ramblings, especially if you have not gotten sick of it. i ramble more on twitter too. more angst stuff so you have been warned. see you guys soon, in the meantime, stay safe.

July Oh My!

2011-07-19T12:38:00.002+08:00

can you guess what i was up to for my weekend?

i was at sentosa bora bora beach club. quaint place, very cosy and friendly. i remembered hanging out there during my teens. it was the spot to be, and of course it doesn't hurt when you have abang jeffrey as your bartender who supplies free flow of cape cods and screwdrivers (vodka cranberry and vodka orange).

left home really late at 3:00pm and i swear i thought i would miss the wedding. dugong was late from his rescue training and that leaves me and jayvee to fend off the alcohol. so we took a cab, on an empty stomach and geared ourselves for the big bang. how disappointing it was though to realise that we were the early birds and no one - no one - ever comes on time for a wedding anyway. so we had 2 hours to drink - on an empty stomach before the bride arrives and walks down the aisle. ai caremba!

the beautiful wedding cake. so simple and yet so apt! i didn't like the fondant thought it was too thick but it covered the cake really well and had the idea done - so oh well. taste was a little too decadent for my liking, but i did enjoy poking holes on my piece.

that's michael, dave, patricia and jac. dave is the lao-chee-ko-pek (old perv). unfortunately he's eric's friend. clever weasel had his hand around me just as the camera snap. like seriously? the things and people i fend off on a daily basis.

the beautiful bride and the suave groom. first time seeing eric in a suit. you will never see this again. lovely couple, extremely lovely.

and of course who can forget liverpool team setting foot into the club? ah the nerves. like teenage girls, raging hormones we were going about taking photos talking to them, getting autographs and all. they were tall and good-looking no doubt about that, and you could see fallen angels all at their feet hoping to have a one night stand with any of the players. don't care lah even if they have teensy-weensy kedengdeng, fame matters. sigh... the world is really saddening right now.

me and ivy don't even know any of the players. we were just taking photos just so we can upload on facebook and show off. not that we really care who is who, more like who got the most shots and with which cute player. the loserish women that we are.

and so miserable! attempting to save for an Ipad, a G12 and a D4 Suunto and all i have is $100 to account for! how miserably pathetic is that? can i just swipe my card and get it over and done with. for god's sake, how tough can this be? this is hard - i want so many things but nothing's coming my way. help!

One For The Road

2011-07-13T13:41:00.005+08:00

i am back.

after a short hiatus - i am now back. so i was at juara tioman for the weekend. the week before i was at kuala lumpur for the MIDE expedition and then i disappeared again for the following weekend to go diving. bought some dive stuff at the expedition at quite a steal compared to had i purchase them on my own.

i bought my blue bare dive suit at RM$315 while my Aqualung Zuma BCD was at RM$999. i did bought a pair of gloves as well as a dive hose for my zuma so i roughly spent about RM1000 equivalent to SGD$500. changed my theme colours to blue since i could not find gears in grey. gave up after walking around the whole expedition. its not too bad actually - i did quite like the blue tones.

slightly different in juara this time round. beautiful corals and the structures were different. unlike renggis or batu malang, i had huge boulders with corals everywhere. i saw a large moray eel swimming between my legs, a juvenile lion fish, nudibranch which were so tiny and so adorable they made me went "awww" in the water.

my diving techniques still needs to be refine and i am now more than ever convinced that i need and want a dive-com. so i have decided i want a d4 suunto. why not a d6 you ask? well - just incase i don't really like diving anymore i don't feel like i have wasted thousands of money - which i already have anyway.

she is beautiful isn't she?

so i am more or less locked on this one - or the tusa version. my only concern is that no one has one so i can't asked much about the watch itself. it retails at roughly SGD$500.

so anyway, i thought i share some pictures with you guys how we fooled around under and above water. be nice - i'm not a photographer by nature.

all set to dive. we board our own chartered boat at mersing at 8:00am, 3 friggin' hours after we've been rudely woken. talked about malaysia truly asia! we were supposed to have sailed at 7:00am sharp but somehow it delayed and delayed till 8:30am. sigh. and the journey to the dive spot took another 2 hours. i don't think i've ever waited for a sale for this long even.

some of my more favourite shots. i wish i could share with you more of the photos but somehow blogger don't allow me to upload hundreds of cam whore shots and only can select a few favourite ones but i reckon that's more than enough for you guys. this last shot was after a majorly successful dive and after my lousy mishap. i think - i almost drowned. wait i take it back. i know i almost did. 4 metres into the descend i could not breathe. nothing works, and somehow after i have finish inhaling the air in my mask i surfaced.

that was scary. no idea what happened. everyone said it was me hyperventilating - i believed otherwise but they're the expert.

does it put me off diving? no lah - not really. i still want to dive, but this time round with a pointer and a dive com. one's to alert others if i'm in danger and the other's just for show.

hope your weekend was equally lovely. shall write again soon - meanwhile love and be loved. x

Relief - is just indescribable

2011-06-23T12:49:00.003+08:00

for what feels like the longest time i sat there and breathe.

"you OK there?" he asks.

i nodded, still mute, still reeling from the relief.

for two whole weeks now i have been a nervous wreck and though i try to pile myself with work, the big C was pounding away at my thoughts like a migraine that just refuse to go away. 2 weeks back when the doctor tells me that i might have cancer, there were just so many questions in my mind.

i haven got married. have not done skydiving. what about my boat license? can i just eat rabbit meat now and no guilt trips? what will happen to all my shoes, and most of all - what about my family?

for 2 weeks i wish someone had pat me in the back and soothes me, but on the other hand it was hard for anybody to do so when i hardly tell anyone my woes. at best i make light of the situation by going shopping - hence i bust my credit limit this month.

as i walked away from sgh, the floodgate open, suddenly every emotions hit me with such an impact that like a crazy woman, i was laughing and crying at the same time. some day the security at sgh will view the footage and sigh in relieve that they were not there to stop me - would have been a waste of their lunch time.

i know i don't have bragging rights unlike those who walked away after been bitten from a shark, or saved from the claws of a bear, but heck - i've just been told that i don't have the big c and i just need to go for a surgery to remove half my thyroid.

and that my friends - the feeling - is just indescribable.

As I Wait...

2011-06-23T10:52:00.002+08:00

i'm thinking of 2 things as i sit outside the clinic right now.

the first one - do i have the big C? not something anyone wants to think about but today i have to think about it. there's active nodules in my throat and somehow that's enough to strike fear in me. i'm not usually very religious save for a couple of prayers but i find myself praying hard today.

the second thing - i wonder what its like to live alone and in pain.
needless to say - all are depressing thoughts. i wonder if i have the big c, will i end my life or move on and seek a cure. will there be someone who wants to spend their lives with someone who is dying? i wonder too when i take my last breath, will i cling desperately to life or will i let go easily as had benjamin button?

my number 1046 clicks away slowly like a death sign.

the gloomy weather failed to ease my tension. in fact it adds on to my stress level. so here i am trying to breathe easy - and there are the signs all over me, creeping fear into me slowly. i'm watching an old lady in a wheelchair rasping away to her caretaker and i wonder how fulfiling her life was, or must have been. i begin to reflect on my past now - had it been wonderful? when i die - will i have regrets?

suddenly, missing the premiere of pirates of the caribbean, or the grand opening of clubs no longer seemed important. missing out on sales, not having the right shoes seemed so mediocre right now.

1016 walked out right now and she looked miserable. there she sits a few seats away with her precious thoughts, and here a few seats away from her i am thinking the same thing. i finally bought myself a ring - a size 14 eternity ring. not suppose to symbolize anything but i figured - i might as well buy something for myself to celebrate my presensce in life.

i want to feel anger but somehow i can't and just when i'm about to burst out - an old lady beside me interrupt my train of thoughts, "what's your number?"

"i don't know. death will swing by - how would i know?" were my thoughts, instead i replied to blankly, "1046 ." she smiles now - happy that i'm one number after her until i point out to her, "we're in different room." i watch as she furrowed her brows and looks around. i can never understand agressive competitiveness. does it ever mean anything?

my stomach hurts right now, growling away angry at not being fed. i can't swallow anything right now - knowing i would hurl.

1025 flashed its turn now. oh god - 1046 just seems so far away. right now - i wish i have weed. weed would be so good. i want weed. i watch the man beside me clumbers around clumpsily. he was smiling wait - i take it back, he looks miserable too.

is it just me or is everyone miserable? i hate hospitals. my train of thoughts are clambering all over each other.

pregnant lady walks past.

the man in the wheelchair reading a book.

same pregnant lady walks past again.

i feel like i'm watching a still movie, in colours. the clumpsy man beside me sighs heavily and holds on to his knees for support. support for what i wonder? i sneak a peek at his documents, his weight reads 59.4 kg, and i though he looks bigger than me. i am wrong visually apparently. oh good god, i'm heavier than this man???

trivial things princess trivial things.

i'm not writing anymore. i'm going to go into zen mode now. see ya later alligator.

Let's Go Diving!

2011-06-21T13:25:00.003+08:00

so.

i came back from tekek, tioman a couple of weeks back and had 4 amazing dives. i could not ask for more. my buoyancy was good and well i finally could equalize. sure - i had some difficulties here and there but overall i was all right. managed to see a ship wreck and i was so awed by it! the fact that it was 20m deep means i was clutching abang zain's 2 fingers all the way. chicken? you got the right - cluck cluck cluck!

i also get to see the fleeting ass of a black tip shark and the resident turtle who was coming by my way. super stoked. seriously - how often do you see a turtle coming your way? i saw several fishes whose names i will never know, so when some diver asked did you see this fish and everyone went, "ooohhh..." i'm still trying to figure out - which was this again?

i love the sea urchin and i realize i love swimming when the sun is above the water and the rays are just shattered across the sea. its beautiful. can i describe it? no i can't. i wish i can show you what i'm trying to bring across but somehow its best for you to see it yourself.

this was the closest picture i could get of the sun rays hitting the sea and though its not exactly what i had in mind, i hope this brings a clearer perspective to you.

this was me gripping abang zain's fingers. i swear i think i caused all the blood to just died in his fingers. i was gripping so tightly he was complaining that he couldn't feel anything afterwards. can't blame me! i keep imaging some shark was going to pop out from the ship wreck!

the first one is me. this is when i finally don't want to hold anybody's hand and just want to move on my own but i also realize i'm lazy. as much as possible i just want to sit down and not move. ditto what's in my mind - but you can also call me lazy.

dugong's bringing me on a midnight train ride! so exciting! the last time i took a train was many decades ago and now i'm boarding it again! can you imagine the excitement? who cares if its 2nd class? its the ride yo!

we're hitting kuala lumpur for some rays and sun - more of shopping but oh yeay! epic moment for me more so. i'm buying my own dive suit. i get to pee in my own dive suit! mine mine mine! i heard from champ, if you're cold in the sea and you need warmth you pee in your suit.

yes. i'm sure i really want to do that. bathe myself in my pee. like euuu double U.

Back To Square One

2011-06-16T13:25:00.003+08:00

i am very hurt. disappointed. to the point i don't understand what is going on anymore in my life, and why am i still holding on.

so yesterday me and dugong had a fight, because i asked him questions and it got me thinking so now i'm not allowed to ask? he got so defensive that it got me wondering - why are you so worked up when all i asked was what was he doing and with whom?

and then later part he said - he just don't like me to ask.

what a funny relationship no? when you can no longer ask or show concern. maybe i'm not the one he wants to see concern from, who knows. 3 years down the road - some things you can force, some you just have to let it be, give it up and move on. you can't force it to go your way.

Big C - Hope Not

2011-06-10T13:27:00.004+08:00

i think i went into shock yesterday.

went for my annual checkup for my thyroid the last being quite some time ago, and my ever dashing dr tan looked at me and stunned me with his words, not with a stun gun though i would have very much preferred the latter, "your nodule has some blood activity and in most cases can be cancerous."

there.

i sit there stunned.

after so many false alarms he now tells me that the possibility of me having thyroid cancer is there. great - just when i thought i wanted to settle down with dugong and all albeit the kid does not seem to adore me much.

so what's next i asked. "biopsy." came his deadly reply. i hated this part. he push in 5-6 needles in my throat and tries toe extract cells. feels like someone shoving pen down your throat and wriggles it about. either way i hate it - no let me re-phrase it - i loathe it! after an anxious 30 minutes later, dear dr tan tells me to go home and i will only know my results 2 weeks later. so now i sit and wait.

and then dugong chose to send me home leaving me to have idiotic thoughts on my own self, i believe by now, many have known me to have suicidal tendencies though none have to come to light - but if i do have cancer - you never know what i will do.

heck after all i have not waste the taxpayers' monies and go for counselling even. hold your horses girl. waste a bit first before dying. morbid no?

and so i thought ok - i am going tioman for the weekend - should be ok. until i remember the kid is coming along. uh-oh. i fail miserably with her. she doesn't like me, can get pretty testy and i mean really testy, and dad seems to not acknowledge it. what do i do? am certainly not in the mood to entertain her brattiness.

ever wise lydia says, "scold her. you can't let her get away with rudeness. what happen to your code of ethics?"

sort of gloomy athena replies, "can't man... i'm not her mom. if dad says ok i can't do much either. just stay away is my best bet."

listen - i know she's growing up in a bad environment with the most not fantastic environment, she's only P4 but her facebook pictures and all display someone who's desperate to grow up, and dad pretty much lets her get away with it because he can't be there for her all the time. me? right now i'm a passerby. i can't say much can i?

or can i? the kid will hate me even more. oof. not that easy anymore eh?

decisions decisions.

i am in such a muddle of a situation. whatever - if i do have the big c. i am outta here in the minute.

one thing for sure i am not letting dugong marry me and then be alone again. code of ethics still here in me apparently. n-i-c-e.

and for you dear readers, appreciate life - for what its worth its never too late or too early to start your life journey. only you can make a difference in your life. not your parents. not your friends and definitely not some horoscope.

Hot News Alert!

2011-05-26T12:52:00.003+08:00

what's my epic moments for this week?

well first of all you are looking at the newly, freshly minted assistant club manager of KDT Singapore! talk about awesomeness. and hey - i work really hard for this ok? very unexpected since i was thinking of aiming for it a year later, or more and the deal kinda landed itself sweetly on my lap.

am i excited? well i was pretty much doing the same thing previously so nothing new to me, i am however more excited about my new name-cards and title. i even gave dugong first dibs on my card. talk about love! i refuse to give to anyone but him. 1 point for the sweet lover!

secondly, if you look at my twitter account, i have mr kevin costner following me on twitter! can anyone say 'stoked' in ultra squealing voice? ok so he follows like half the world, but still it makes me uber stoked to have him on board. hello sir costner - such a pleasure to have you following my tweets, and just for you and you only - i will tweet about how much i love you. the malays call it "angkat bodek" literally translated as "carry balls".

beautiful thursday afternoon today, cant wait to run the show with mk today. he finally applied to avalon, let's see what is the end result over there. not sure if i want to make the jump from here to avalon since i am not that keen to work 4 days of 6am - 6pm and be under MBS. already i feel like the place is majorly fucked up, cant imagine going back for second servings.

watching pirates of the carribean with shikin kecik this sunday. super excited! gonna have to wake up early since i don't want to waste my sunday, and plus dugong will be back later from his fishing trip.

and tell me something... is it true that Muslim men don't wear wedding rings? not allowed? or not encouraged? *gasping in pure terror* but i have a wedding band set in my mind! what do i do now, i don't want to be the only one wearing a band! like super emo psycho lady!

and yes ladies and gentlemen, going for another dive 2 weeks from now. super stoked again! shall bring back a starfish this time round! yippee!

Muddle Muddle

2011-05-25T23:10:00.001+08:00

so finally we set a date but with nothing else set on. trying to get bits and pieces in place and i'm starting to ask more people on how to do it without trying to kill him nor myself. first thing first the moment we wanted to get marriage was to get our certification. we had it done with SPMC - a 2 day course from friggin' 9am till 6 in the afternoon. the lecturer, omar haroon loves to talk so we had to endure his lectures but it was so worth it when we finally got our certs, it was like a super yeay moment for me! dugong was a gem - he sat through both days with tears in his eyes, not because of joy but because he was exhausted and he went through the course ware prior to this. my man - i love!

after the certs, now the nitty-gritty details, things like how many people to invite and where is becoming a solid question in my mind. my mom wants to do at home for convenience sake, i want to do it outside - preferably at the mosque or ROMM. the only catch is with a mosque, things are super serious and at the romm, they are under renovations and can only start the wedding gig after june which is fine for me, dugong on the other hand is fine with anything i suppose as long as we "feed the guests with one whole lamb." something like that.

i also need to find out how many gubahans to exchange between us, he is doing it alone with no one to help him and i don't want to burden my mom too, so what is a feasible number? 5? 7? 25?

mas kahwin or also known as mahr is usually given by the groom to the bride, gift for the bride and can only be shared if the bride wills it to be. i told dugong and my mom i want a gold bracelet or a gold necklace. yes - i can hear collective gasps but i hold my grounds on this. i want something that can be hold for value, sentimental and monetary. i don't want money where i can spend it on cabs anytime.

i need to find a baker who will bake for me a cake like this with party favors... a henna lady... a mak andam... a photographer... wedding invitations... argh!

i need to find our rings... something that he can wear, i can wear - simple and not outrageous. i was thinking of engraving our names on the inside of the rings and wedding date but not sure if he is agreeable to it though. what do you guys think? too tacky?

wedding gowns is but a must! can't get married in jeans obviously so now i have to source for people who provide wedding gowns and etc.

and the man who will marry me off and my two witnesses, who i have not decided upon, so now can you imagine the stress level that i am having?

i am excited... believe me but i am super stress. i can't wait but on the other hand i feel like what if i get the wrong stuff, like wrong dress, wrong cert say the wrong stuff.

muddle muddle...

I'm Gonna Get You Back!

2011-05-11T13:37:00.001+08:00

i love this song!

i have a piece of exciting news to share with you guys but i so can't reveal anything yet until i have seen the official letter and well an announcement from the head obviously but trust me, this wait is so worth it.

hang on to your pants for me!

Stronger Than Yesterday

2011-05-03T02:04:00.004+08:00

many times, in one day i like to reflect on my thoughts and wonder if i could have change the decisions that i make over the minutes and days of my life. like at times i wonder if i should just have venture overseas and make my rice bowl there instead of staying in singapore where i live the life of a second class citizen, but then again i am blessed with the security that the country provides - not that i am whining but recently ever since i came back from tioman, that same feeling struck me again. the need to be free and not live my life paying bills after bills.

that being said, i wonder too if dugong wants to spend his life with me and sometimes i do wonder if he is making the right choice. sometimes i do wonder if i was forcing him to be with me. after all, with the many years between us he has never make the move to get married nor initiate anything why would he now? am i worried about being a 'waity-katy'? no i am not - after all if i have a man who comes up to me and ask for my hand barely knowing him for less than a week, i guess i do have some face value. i am however worried if i might not spend my life with a man who might not love me for who i am and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

that i doubt i would be strong enough to face.

over the years i have mellowed greatly. i am not as loose cannon as before and sometimes when i looked at my staff, seeing them i laugh and wonder what a sight i had been to my older passer-bys in my life. my stubbornness and my unwillingness to get married was always scorn by the older generation but today speaks a different story. believe me, i am no spinster. i happen to be a darn good looking woman with no lack of suitors. i am smart, capable of earning her own money, with a damn fine booty to suit and additional bonus - i am a diver (a noob but still one!). i am ethical in so many ways that its not even funny. (i refuse to go for free stuff and instead i rather pay for them, i refuse free entries and backstage passes - and yes dugong will kill me if he knows i gave up the passes from lau, can't help it lah. i feel very very very burden!) i love animals and i would not hesitate to help any members of the yellow ribbon project albeit nobody's seems to be paying any attention to them now.

i just happen to want to be a wife, be pregnant - get really sick on morning sickness, cravings, go through labour even though i abhor pain! watch my kids grow up and wake up to a man who would not hesitate to take me in his arms even if the kids all go, "ewww daddy!" maybe i watch too many drama but when i saw jun's kids going all shy when hafiz landed a huge kiss on her cheek, i swear - there was this tight knot in my throat. age catching up you say? maybe - or perhaps the fact that i don't want to spend my life alone.

at the end of the day, i want my partner to be by my side and support my decision. my only worry now, kak wada was saying, "kau kalau nak kahwin dengan someone yang dah pernah kahwin, must take life with a pinch of salt. he has gone through everything before you do, and may not be as excited as a first time. that is something you must bare." i just wonder... will i be on my own most of the time then? a thought that does bring fear in me.

so anyway, we went to underwater world today to celebrate elly's birthday and oh boy was it pretty fun. packed with indian travellers i was somewhat reminded of a conversation that i had in the tdr on friday when this goondusamy voiced out how much he hated singaporeans and the local people. anyway the gist was when i asked him why don't he return to india then instead of staying in singapore, oh wait thats right unemployment rate is high and he does not get the same package pay unlike in singapore right? and that's when he kept his mouth shut.

dear indian expat, i am no racist, i make friends easy and i respect everybody's culture and race, but you, you came to my country, spoke badly of it and you expect me to swallow? that is something i don't do. i don't care that your country is poor, i doubt so, with so many natural resources and people its a matter of making things work but since you guys can't you came over. instead of being grateful you bash us. i am honestly offended. next time when i see you at the tdr, do yourself a favor and walk away because the next time i will so flung fried beef in your face. yes - typical singaporean - i am a messy eater lah.

anyway, we went through the tunnels, took photos and a long video long because the fishes can't stop swimming for me to take a proper shot! you should have seen daddy and his girl going ooh-aah at the fishes. me? i was just hoping that there was no leak or cracks. the garoupa was bigger than me! yikes!

this was before we we entered the world, we snapped a quick picture at the hawksbill turtle, they were so camera friendly! and people - please do not throw plastic bags or tissues in the sea, i realise the turtles eat just about anything and everything!

we had a fun day, though i think sentosa overcharged EVERYTHING. you need at least sgd$200 to have somewhat decent fun day by the beach. nothing is cheap there though i am definitely coming back month end. i think i have an idea what i want to do for dugong's birthday. song of the sea. classic or what? haha...

and dugong, paid spmc for the classes which are conducted at the end of may. 2 long days but finally i am going for my class! super stoked! apparently there is a test involved at the end of the class with a certification, i am just hoping, praying, wishing that i will pass. can't afford to fail at sgd$130 a pop!

and yes, my gst money is long gone paying bills that my lovely mom and brother incurred. not easy not cheap but at times i feel like my existence in this life is to clear my brother's mess. i wish he could just grow up and see and not behave like a major brat but oh no - he has his own ideas. i wish he would just pick up a great hobby, like fishing or diving and leave a nice life, but no somehow he wants the glam and glitz of hollywood. oh adi, when will you see, when will your eyes open to the sufferings of your mother and sister?

work has been superb lately. navin offered me an assistant manager post at knoll capella though i hardly doubt i would jump over. friggin' hell, from my place to harbourfront mrt takes 1 hour and this is excluding travel time to capella. i have estimated a 3.5 hour journey to and fro work and that is not appealing. i also want my mon and sun off or permanent sun off, and i also want to not dip my toes in operations anymore and i also asked for a 55% pay increment. its offensive but if i want to jump i might as well jump big right?

anyway - so wish me luck, i think its almost time for a wind of change, don't you think? maybe across the sea? shall keep you guys posted on my next adventure. in the meanwhile, stay safe you guys! xoxo

Diving Angels

2011-04-27T12:50:00.013+08:00

i just came back from tioman island, and i want to be the first to announce to everyone that i am officially an open water diver! how cool is that? me - one who is terrified and traumatized each time she gets into the ocean, somehow manage to pass with flying colours! not to brag (though i am...) i scored a cool 90% for my test.

and though i was annoyed with dugong initially for dragging me at the last minute to buy my buff, i so cannot help but to fall in love with him all over again! (not that i ever stopped!) i almost wanted to cry major when i could not descend the first round, feeling as if i failed him, plus he does add on a hundred ton pressure on me, i almost pulled the plug and wanted to give up, but abang anuar insist that i go down with abang instead of dugong and somehow manage to coax me to go again. i found out later that dugong stayed behind to watch me float up and down, and looking from a distance at the risk of headaches, i literally went, "awww...ayang!"

i do have an equalizing problem on my left but if this technique that abang teaches is good, i would have no problem descending though i would take a much longer time to do so. not to all divers - do not seek help from me should you reach the bottom first, i take approximately 5 mins to get from LS to BT. you HAVE been warned! its not even funny to put on all those weight, including the cylinder tank, the suit, booties and all. a real gym affair i kid you not!

this is seriously an epic moment. 15 mins just to put on a suit and literally under cold water. its tight and will make your fats roll like never before, but somehow makes you look slim and sharp in the water. go figure. thats my dive buddy, shikin kecik. don't undermine her size, she dives w-a-y better than me.

buddies do checks on each other for safety. i on the other hand was envying her new suit and thinking that this is one moment where we are more covered up than other days.

my 3 coaches. azman the one in maroon is a no-nonsense chap, so you either dive or you don't while, the one on the left is anuar who has the patience and the generosity of an elephant. he would wait for you patiently to equalize and descend with you slowly showing you the different fishes, corals and trigger fish! yum! zain is more technical and logics as he deftly explain to you the rules of the sea and best of all he even let you touch the corals, starfish and all. nice. (i didn't because loserish me keep hearing dugong's voice going, "don't touch anything in the sea..." yes i know very lame especially when i see shikin groping fishes. boo!

ayang claiming my weight as weightless in this picture! this clear blue sea is at pasir panjang beach where for a moment i thought we were at maldives. water so clear and sand so velvety i could swim all day long. i actually did enjoy diving though i know i am not a strong swimmer. attempting a change in that soon, and plus i do worry alot about breaking corals and killing the fish but if i ignore the fears and worries i am actually pretty decent.

my next dive, if i can actually descend without killing ANYONE i am so getting my own booties, divesuit, gloves, BCD the whole works! ayang money please? :D

we passed! all 5 open water divers passed on their first attempt, no one had to come back and do a retest though i am pretty keen to do a few more dives. must save money. i love tioman and somehow would not mind spending my time there. i must admit that it does sound really awesome to pack up and stay there but judging from these soothing pictures who could blame me? it beats the stressful city life of singapore anytime any day!

no difference day or night... both evoke a sense of peace and calmness in you...

and with the GE Elections right round the corner, i thought i leave you with this. yes singapore government, its true - your people are crying for help and you are ignoring the cries. too many foreign talents, not enough jobs for the locals. we are being pay 1.5k and expected to understand that its enough while foreign talents come in with 1.8k, 4.5k with no strings attached. expenses have rises and yes believe it or not, 1.5k salary is no longer sufficient.

believe it or not, your people are slowly abandoning their identities, do you really want to wait till its too late before you make a change. i love my foreign friends dearly, but how about for a change you concentrate on your local people, the ones, whom in the event of a battle, will be standing at the front-line, taking hit for their mother country.

Snip Snap Snup

2011-04-22T08:21:00.003+08:00

i thought i would do a quick update on myself since i received an sms from walwelwol asking if i was still - alive.

yes i am.

work has been crazy. dirky's father passed away recently and i am bound to doing poolside duties. the only catch was with dirky's gentle supervision most of the guys were running amok - and i am not a fan of amok staff. so you can guess, while i was on holiday at their misery, they were miserable. on another note i have more responsibilities now though still same pay and heck there have been days when i come in not sure what is it that i have achieved.

though farquhar keep saying that i am doing a great job, i really doubt it at times, and promotions are striding along nicely at the club. people are getting promoted these days without skipping a beat which i think is nice. you have to reward the people for working hard!

and yes ever so often, as testament that i am lovable i force them to take snapshots with visible forced smiles. i swear they looked more enthusiastic when justin bierber came by!

i also force 2 staff to re-do my board since i was bored of the old ones and seriously think it needed a revamp. at the claims we are having for this revamp my boss will kick my ass but i really don't care. i want one revamp n-o-w. kidding. full support from the boss.

went to movida on sunday! yeay! i finally had a wind-down after being in action for 3 whole weeks and i thought i could do with some jazz. actually more of latin than jazz, and since we were at st james me and dugong thought we would hit the road. thank god i had on a nice top and fancy skirt. otherwise where would i relive the horror at fashion passe? met up with zila and jang and it does feel nice and homely all over again. even mr foo and old man was there too to watch our dear jang squirm at being tease. ah the simple pleasures in life.

opah got for me some facial cream stuff from korea! though i can't read them, he keep insisting that these are used for your face. anyone read korean? but still i adore them, the koreans with their neat and tiny packaging. i suppose if i know what they are for, they are portable and fits snugly even in your jeans pocket. i reckon they are for whitening, you know, apply ever so often so that you have oh-so-translucent skin.

so there you go snippets of my ever exciting life, i swear i will write more next week or something when i come back from tioman but for now you have to make do with this few trivia! hope all is well with everyone!

Petals On My Path

2011-04-07T21:49:00.003+08:00

"ok let me get this straight, dia tahu kau ada kat rumah tapi dia tak initiate nak jumpa kau pun? and hamilton nampak dia dengan pompuan lain and you have no reactions? dah tak betul ke dah buang tabiat?" and i literally can hear her screech on msn.

"he said she was aza's date and he was there for an hour, and the rest - i guess he just doesn't want to see me. no reactions eh? or tired. entah eh... don't really know what else to say anymore." and then i logged out.

maybe i was just not in the mood to listen to anyone crap on me, maybe i was annoyed since muru sent flowers to my home - which i consider a major invasion to my privacy, or the fact that my brother is becoming a prick. either way i just don't feel like reacting anymore. i'm just plain tired of reacting. i truly am. i only know i try to keep myself busy night and day so that i don't have to think and bother to think.

i am asking around for another part timer job so that i can keep myself even more busier and just kill myself with work. would be better i suppose. earn more money, go shopping. not bothering to save anymore. what's the point? where am i going?

and annoyed i am with muru for sending flowers but secretly laughing at how simple people can be at times. send flowers and hope that things will be well.

and i am leaving you guys with this beautiful rendition of e.t. somehow its music soothes my angry soul, and if you are right now, upset and mad just as i am - hold steady and still smile. somewhere out there, a silver lining awaits.

Summer Rain

2011-04-04T20:38:00.003+08:00

it is scary being alone. the idea of being alone for the rest of your life. today i have been guaranteed that. funny thing is for the first time in my life, i didn't know what else to say. it was as if i have finally taken in stride what's happening in it and that i am finally accepting it. if you ask me, its painful to begin with. for some reasons i can't talk, but i can write. i can express but tears keep on falling. i know i'm upset but i am still answering phone-calls, messages, twittering like there is no tomorrow as if nothing has affected me.

truth is i'm heartbroken - and i wish i could talk to someone about this instead of holding it all inside me.

i ask dugong about setting the wedding date, and he postpone it again. for the umpteenth time, and today he wants it to be postpone to next year. don't know how many times a man can postpone it but if you don't want to spend your life with me, then i think its not fair to string me along. trying to make sense of everything but thats all i seem to know. i can't even go through watching a simple wedding video without tearing.

i'm upset. i'm disappointed. i'm heartbroken.

you should have known something was wrong when a man would rather save for manado than for a freakin' wedding. dumb bitch!

Meritocratic Employment 101: Facts & Myths

2011-04-01T02:10:00.000+08:00

野人俱乐部: MERITOCRATIC EMPLOYMENT 101: FACTS & MYTHS: "Beware contracting out our young graduates' future This latest report on polytechnic graduates showed that 'among the economically active fr..."

no surprises here. i have momo who is still jobless after graduating, she's even applied as a waiter and still deemed way too good, but foreign talent with degree is given the job. what's happening?

Aonang, Krabi

2011-03-31T10:34:00.001+08:00

As a treat for my birthday, Dugong decided to bring me to Krabi, Thailand. It was guaranteed to be hot, sunny with sand, sea and beer to keep you accompany all week long. Didn't really turn out that way. It has been raining since my arrival on Saturday noon in Krabi, but with much enthusiasm we soldiered on confident that the weather would take a change by mid afternoon.

By 6 pm we were proven wrong - it continued raining.

Dugong, ever the explorer wanted to visit the site and find out more about the place and since it was our maiden journey it was only app that we walk around town.

Our hotel, Blue Village Resort. Excellent place if you ask me!

Thai's version of 'ayam penyek'. Succulent, juicy drumstick, grilled to perfection!

Aonang, one of the many towns in Krabi is bustling with people and I am not surprise that people often declare Thailand a land of smiles. Everywhere we go, people were greeting and smiling and were so welcoming - they could do no wrong in my eyes. There were Indian and Chinese traders, but service was a mile apart. Infact there was no competition.

A lovely surprise from the staff of Blue Village Resort. Thank you guys!

On day 2, we went island hopping. Fortunately for us the sun decides to smile. A few dark clouds passes by but went elsewhere instead. I even manage to get a tan! Islands were plenty and beautiful. The sea clear and blue, though corals were not that many, it was so fun to jump right into a school of fish!

And then it start raining.

This time it was as if God unleashed its fury on us and it rained non-stop. Our trip to Daeng and Hong Island was cancelled on day 3 and we spent the day riding around Krabi Town on a Honda Fino, managing even a hill trek on it. We got lost, we were wet and cold from the run, ran out of fuel and a minute away from begging the locals to send us home. We manage to reach our hotel after finally deciding to ask for directions, 5 hours later, exhausted to the bones.

It was still raining on Day 4, with zero intentions to let up. Once again our trip was cancelled. We sat down for breakfast with heavy hearts and plan our afternoon around the rain.

Taking out our trusted 'Fino', we trudged against the mud and floods to find a good 'makan' place. Typical Singaporean. Flash floods ahead and we're looking for lunch. Found an amazing restaurant nearing to the end of Aonang serving even more amazing Muslim Thai Halal food. Run by a very hospitable husband and wife team, we left the restaurant wanting more. As I write this, I am still able to taste the savory yet tangy lime-chilli beef.

It continued raining all day and after buying desserts we head back to the hotel to pack before going out again. At 7 pm we head out again to buy souvenirs for home.

That's where we were hit by bad news, Aonang, tormented by heavy rain has been blocked off by mudslide and there was no way we could reach Krabi Airport. We had to postpone our flight and extend another day. As Dugong sits there trying to get us a flight I stood there nervous. Rain and bad weather was just not funny, stranded in Aonang is not recommended.

Then the lights went out. The generator has been cut off in preparation for the floods. Sandbags taken out and placed at the front of house, though no one spoke a word of it - it was in every body's eyes - would tsunami strike again?

We return to our hut quietly, given a couple of tea light candles and escorted by the security. Kamin, the usually feisty dog sat quietly in one corner. If he was afraid he was unable to say it, and here I am frightened to the bones. Sleeping in the hut under the veil of darkness was terrifying. I keep hearing people shouting which serves no help to my wrecked courage. Finally sometime after 4am I fall asleep from sheer exhaustion.

I woke up as early as 9 on Day 5, expecting to be covered by mud and sea water. Neither happened. It was still raining but somewhat lesser compared to the previous days. I had begin coughing and sniffing, probably from the extreme weather, but I was enjoying myself nevertheless and its still an adventure to me.

We missed out on breakfast and lazed around in the hut, packing mostly trying to decide on our next plan. Since Dugong need to buy board shorts for himself we decided to head downtown, nipped lunch along with shopping and shooting. I had a go with .9mm while Dugong went with the .45mm and it was awesome! Loud booming sounds and I had a bit of a jump in the early shots but after a while I was loving it!

Yes - Me holding .9mm gives me cheap thrill. Dugong call it suicidal tendencies for my excessive happiness at holding a gun. I was just firing away! Next time: AK-47

Must take note - give the Indian traders a miss. They quote ridiculous high price (cutthroat) without blinking. An eyelid leaving the locals to flapped around for more sales. Eye the locals as they carry similar (or more...) trendy items just as well. Dugong bought 4 t-shirts and a couple of board shorts for 1000baht (SGD$40). I even managed to pick up 2 dresses, a pair of jumper, 2 pairs of earrings and a small jewelry box for the same amount. Didn't buy anything for hometown folks since we were here for relaxation and it was never about the shopping.

Went back to the hut and slept like a log! I only woke up around 8 and only because I was starving! Went for massage and pedicure at one of the local parlor, but at 200baht don't expect world class treatment! Still - it was an awesome experience.

Silverish Lilac's the way to go when you're blinded with hundreds of O.P.I. colours!

Weather finally clear, rain stopped. The news begin reports of landslide and waist high floods at Krabi Town with a thousand feared dead. I thank our lucky stars that we were not one of them. Had the weather been good on Monday we would have gone snorkeling and went for the road trip on Tuesday - the day of landslides and floods. A very harrowing experience indeed.

Day 6 was flight day! Sun was shining was again, birds were chirping and corny as it seems.. It was a sight for sore eyes to feel the sun warm rays hit your skin. We finished packing, load our stuff to the car had our breakfast and then we said goodbyes.

Goodbyes had to be done quickly or I would start tearing, flashes of waves and many shouts of "good luck!" and we left. As we head to the airport, the road were covered with mud and water. Drains were filled to the brim, the locals busy air-drying their belongings. We reach safely at the airport and so now I wait patiently for my flight back to Singapore.

I wonder when will I return to the land of smiles again for certainly this country is beautiful with many wonders. With so many places to explore I feel as if I am not done with this place and I will be back again.

สวัสดีครับ Aonang. (Thank you Aonang.) Until I see you again.

lt's Raspberry Macaroon Number 156

2011-03-22T02:08:00.002+08:00

maybe its the tiny fact that i am getting older by the year that irks me by the minute or the fact that i am fast reaching relic-hood and yet i feel like i have not accomplished anything that irks me even more. looking around i see friends who are fast becoming successful be in career or multiple divorces and here i am still in love with macaroons and mermaids with no interest in growing up.

i find it irritating that i still think luxury goods as goods instead of status symbols and occasionally when i do have something that comes my way, i thank my dad graciously and then i forget all about it. after all these years, i still stick by the rule - if you have to buy love with material goods, you never meant anything. he has always been somewhat of a fleeting ship and will always be.

i thought i wanted someone grand for my birthday, have a party, do something with all my friends and all - and then i realise - what friends? i have always been quiet with them, will there be anything special, or any difference this year? for a moment i thought of celebrating at some club with booze and countdown and then i figured - done that for so many years i have got to be bored of them by now.

i have.

dugong is taking me to krabi for my birthday and i know i will kick ass awesomely there and then when i come back what is next? what will i do this year that will somewhat make my life different. what can i say that i have achieve for my 30th birthday? and yet somehow i still feel like i am only 25, like it was only yesterday. had time pass me by so fast that i failed to notice?

so there you go - random thoughts at 3am in the morning.. with only 4 more days to go to my grand birthday. the big 3-0. you guess it right when i have claimed it to be the most 'relic' day of my life. soon to be a relic... a decade later i am going to be an artefact.

oh joy.

Youth Potion No. 21

2011-03-18T06:21:00.003+08:00

not something i am used to or maybe use to it by now, but each time i have someone telling me that he/she is falling in love with me i always find myself scampering for cover. no offence to the fallen angels, but it is beginning to creep me out how people can just fall for you and go through jungle just to find out tiny details about you.

so one of my ever-friendly security confessed his love for me recently, and flattered as i am since i am lacking in the attention department i did not hesitate to pour cold water on him. don't wish to be the one to encourage him i told him straight that i was just not keen. he then went on a one-man crusade to find out things about me, to the extend that he would just stare at me from a distance.

love?

creepy more like it. does not help that another one of my staff thinks i'm hot and is always asking for a movie date. yes honey - on my off day i'm sure i just want to see my staff - AGAIN.

7 more days to my birthday, and this year unlike the year before i am not alerting anyone to what i want for my birthday this year. people just never get it right. i still get stuffed toys, i still get cash, and i still get weird cute useless presents. when will they ever learn?

i am trying to hold on to my twenties so desperately its not even funny. i never thought i say this but i want to stay young. no serious stuff please!!!

oh god - isn't there a potion where i can just stay 21?

Engine's On At 3

2011-03-03T03:00:00.003+08:00

its finally march. how times flies so fast that you barely even notice it. there you go - counting down to my 30th birthday and to my ever first krabi trip. dugong's forcing me to plan the whole holiday - and how i hate it. don't like planning for my own birthday. humph! still at least he's sitting down with me to guide me along but you can bet that i'll be indignant about doing it.

slept the whole day today, super tired. went to work and realise that we converted the club into a filming studio which will take place the whole night and morning. oh wow oh joy. i hope we are close tomorrow night too. have not been eager to get back to work ever since i've been told that i am shifting back to night shift. there goes my life.

baba's last day was on monday. he finally packed up and moved all the way to movenpick, figured he had enough of ird and yohei. great choice baba, and all the best!

one of the those nights where i can't sleep... shall try picking up a book otherwise i am trunking an overseas call to somewhere. bored crapless right now. i should have gone with them to zouk, but somehow i just feel so bored whenever i go clubbing. might be the job hazard but seriously - clubbing? when you work in a club? oh god! i would have been more up for paint-ball etc.

dugong says i can do my diving - so when ah? waiting waiting waiting... looking at videos of dives getting really inspired to go. just need to get over this fear of the water.

ipad 2 is out!!! i want one... so anyway... what do you guys do when you're bored at this hour huh? do you blog and talk crap like me too? ;)

Eat. Pray. Love.

2011-02-25T14:24:00.002+08:00

in the movie, julia roberts play this writer who is in search of love and fulfilment in her life. in the blog, this writer is also searching for the same thing. the only difference? this write does not have the cash cow julia robert's character had.

maybe because i am approaching my big 3-0 and frankly i am looking at it with a tad of disdain. call me a sore loser but i am indignant that i have to leave my youth behind. sure - people around me keep hooting that 30's is the new 20's but seriously - your body and face would really have to disagree. gravity have no mercy i tell you.

as the days to my birthday approaches and draws nearer and nearer, you can imagine the nervous wreck that i am, and then finally i chance upon the movie, eat. pray. love. i hate the movie. i hate that she whines hell of a lot in prada wardrobe but i love that she took her guts and balls and travel to some foreign land. i've always wanted to do that but somehow i could never bring myself to do it. i would be more than willing to travel with someone and pay for the other party then to go across the ocean by myself. call me chicken - i believe i would cluck.

so now this - dugong will be bringing me to krabi for my birthday and all i have to do is plan what i want to do there. fair enough. but i want to do my own thing aside from krabi. meaning i want to book a flight, fly somewhere and come back. even if that means touching base at the airport. any suggestions as to where i should go?

i have officially hit my limit with work and that i am now finding it non-satisfying. help. where should i go now, or what do i do now? i need something that gives me gratification and yet at the same time simulating for my mind and soul. thinking back i should have been an accountant. probably that would have given me more simulation then what i am doing now. everything in my mind is a total mess right now. i don't know what i want, i don't know what i want to do. it feels like the whole world is just pounding away at me, forcing me to a corner to decide.

so this year this is what i am gonna do, i will spend time with my friends. i will force one day of my week to hang out with buddies and one day with love ones. i will evoke more emotions and be less drama, and most of all i want to find my niche by this year.

learn new skills even if i am getting older.

Buzz Away

2011-02-18T14:03:00.002+08:00

the way i see myself right now - i remind myself of a bee. buzzing around. busy and buzzing.

not even a queen bee. just the worker bee. buzzing with noise.

i need a break!

Proud Mummy

2011-01-16T14:40:00.001+08:00

i deleted my blog. the picture blog that is. i realized i have not updated my picture-blog as often as i should be so i stop. so now i'm back to thinking what project should i embark on.

hello world.

i have not written for ages even though i have sworn i would. i thought i would when i got my zara vest from egypt, thought i would when my jewelleries from pippi came in, thought i would more so when my moshino red lip bag flew in.

somehow i just didn't.

so i thought i would blog when my blackberry is nestled gently on my hand, and yet that remains elusive. so now today late as i am for my schedule - i am blogging.

ladies and gentlemen, its 16 days to the new year and i am proud to tell you that i have not shop for 2 straight weeks. save for bidding on ebay which is not the same as shopping, i have manage to upkeep my resolution. i feel like a proud mummy, even though i have not had the fortune to be one, i still feel so damn proud.

i am however addicted to ebay and i have been bidding non stop. i shall now crawl under a stone and just die.

the happiness that i get from bidding is the fact that i glow when i receive my goodies especially this precious gem. was bidding for it like crazy and when i won it, the feeling was unbelievable!

i also won ray ban glasses. vest. skirt. covers. bedsheet. chocolate spoons. colgate glassware - and i am praying for medical assistance.

i am also a proud mummy of my bb bold 9780. super proud. super loving it! finally my contract with m1 ended and that allowed me to upgrade and get new mobile. and yes - finally!!! my bb!!! my long awaited bb!!! i actually queue up for this, and with my long famous short temper i really can't help but be amazed by myself!

celebrated xmas dinner with the ladies the other day at wild honey. save for the fact that i din have my camera with me i din manage to snap much pictures but i loved the dinner and the place! was mad beautiful! we each got presents for one another. i got for jacques an iphone cover, cardigan for rebecca, and organizer for glynn. i also got for dugong a dive site book, hoping that it would serve as an inspiration and idea on where to bring me for holidays! ;)

thinking i should bring salina there for her birthday dinner. hmmm... first a present! what should i get for her? i am also wondering if i can blog from my phone? wouldn't that be another joyous relevation? i would never not blog. like ever!

ok enough updates. i'm officially late. toodles!

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

2010-12-31T11:23:00.002+08:00

every year i go through this - that i don't spend enough time on myself and i worked way too hard.

next year's going to be different. i'm going to let loose abit and just enjoy life.

shop less. go holidays more. breathe more, laugh easier.

didn't think i do much this year other than to shop and work.. and eat cornflakes 3 months in a row because mom was in the hospital.

worked with marina bay sands and realized that not all mnc's act like an mnc. swapped over to another company for a friend, got played out, but found new friends and new allies. loving the new job, getting kisses from my team everyday, feeling like a fat fed cat.

also realized that if i don't take my levothyroxdine will result in major mood swings, and zero sex appeal.

and all it takes is to miss 2 month's worth of medication.

brother came back home finally and in 2010 i found out that even if you're the supposed man of the family, it would not make a different if you don't act like one and at the end of the day - people are SELFISH.

learnt new ways of training and talking, discovered the joy of screeching. still did not get to achieve of dream of sleeping in on a sunday. will work on that.

must get back my car license and even bike. urm. shall reconsider the latter.

will do a blood donation at least once half a year. must make more effort to do charity acts. must return to ampang if i can next year - am wondering how the kids are doing.

maybe even travel back to malacca.

hoping 2011 will be a better year.

hoping that people will return to believing and hoping, because the world is really meaningless when we stop doing that.

hoping your year went well, otherwise here's to 2011!

That's The Way Life Goes

2010-12-29T01:02:00.003+08:00

its funny how sometimes you meet people from all walks of life and you realize that you have something in common. strange as it is i would never thought i would have anything in common with miss lau but today during dinner, i realize i did.

we talked mostly about our failed relationships and our addiction to hope, and how we almost always fall for the wrong men or women. we share our opinions on being the one who waits and we agreed that both of us, being good-looking and stubborn people, can never be submissive and just be second best in anybody's life. miss lau thinks i need attention almost all the time, and i think miss lau just likes to be worshipped.

i talked about how i caught my exes cheating: from walwelwol to nobita. from putting soil to the xr and dumping equipments into a fishtank, posting rumours on blogs; either way i have done it all. i've caused pain, and i have went through hell. its funnier then when we think of all the romances we have had, why couldnt we just avoid them and make the right choices? at the end of the day, miss lau and myself had the most simplest answer. hope. we rely way too much on hope, thinking that love was forever, when in truth - it was not.

now in my late twenties, i've learnt to be more realistic, although secretly i'm constantly hoping that i would be with the man of my dreams, happy always, but i've also learnt that the man of my dreams might not want to be with me. always. go figure this one out. i've learnt that in relationships, once you lose the passion, it takes a lot of hard work to rebuild that fire. i've learnt that even the hardest person, would do anything for their loved ones.

love, isn't it strange the way it makes us feel?

i met with zully and the gang on monday and oh boy do i feel left out. for the past months i've been away, surrounding myself with work and well guess what. life continue functioning without me. duh. and things happen without me. duh. friends betraying one another. one girl went psychotic on her relationship. found out mala have a CB mouth. 101 gossips and i was not in any of them. have i been a friend, and could i be a better friend next year? looking back at 2010, i've missed out on so many weddings, birthdays, parties that its not even funny anymore. i stopped attending. stopped socializing. instead - i rather focus my strength on small groups, comfort people. is it fair i wonder? to isolate myself from others?

2010's coming to an end and i wonder if its fair that i seemed to have achieve nothing. with 2011 around the corner, i'm looking forward to achieving more goals. go on more holidays, get some career footing, balance my checkbook, learn to laugh in the face of adversity, believe in the worst of people and most of all, to be a better person.

big plans for the year ahead. i figure that if the world really ends in 2012, the least i could do is to live my life fullest in 2011. jammed everything in i always say. like i told my banker today when we met up, its not about the money, its about doing what i like. i could earn only $2000 a month, and if it means doing what i love, and if it means spending less on shoes and clothes then so be it.

i don't want to be that one person who sits behind a desk, bound by misery, earning $6000 a month but shortchanged in life. money after all cannot buy you happiness. i'm all set for a wild NYE, how about yourself? how is everybody? i know i've stopped reading emails but please don't stop sending. i've always enjoyed reading them!

and to you who is still finding a clear direction in life, i wish you all the best, because even at my age right now, i can't seem to find a footing at all...

2010-12-27T10:06:00.002+08:00

can't believe i woke up late today. more so on the wrong side of bed.

4 more days to 2011 and i still can't wake up on time.

damnit princess!

Daniel Boulud, Riverdance and Me

2010-12-03T10:43:00.004+08:00

what an amazing week this has been!

save aside the rainy season, wet cushions, and plentiful of events i found myself staring at different people with colourful stories to tell all week.

we did back-to-back events at kudeta this week. enough to occupied even the most bored person on earth right now. with sales driving sky high at the pool side almost thrashing our 'friendly-but-really-playing-at-kids-level' competitors, i think i'm pretty ok at this new place of mine.

boss just said ok to me having my own email address and you guys know how little details like this make me feel super happy. lame i know. techno-geek i know. had some issues at work regarding SOPs and all but nothing that can't be rectified and i love to see how everything is coming back together and beautifully. dont we all love pre-openings? lamer i know.

anyway i was asked to come down for a simulation dinner at daniel boulud one of the celebrity chef at marina bay sands, and i believe i had the most wonderful time. had dinner with ibu, chubs and ai leng. place was a tad quiet to my liking but understand that the sound system had some technical issues, the maitre d' was a bit stuffy and too rigid and she had this husky voice which really turned me off but the food. of the food made up for almost all the flaws.

i had yellowfin tuna for dinner (not blue fin! yellowfin bountiful bluefin almost extinct!) and i swear the meat just seems to melt right into my mouth. i would have sat there and savour the raw tenderness but unfortunately my dinner guests were rushing me along. we had chocolate fondant for dessert. not a big fan of the fondant since there was this slight bitter aftertaste but the vanilla ice cream was simply divine!

went for riverdance 2 after dinner. i called it riverdance 2 since michael flatley is no longer part of it. that man can put his legs around his neck if i remember correctly. so as i sat at the theatre quietly, i remember writing a thesis paper on irish dance and culture when i was in my first year in poly. what a coincidence that a decade later i'm watching part 2.

it was ok - not fantastic. kinda draggy to my liking, and i hate the seat at the marina bay sands theatre. i prefer the esplanade ones. so much comfortable. every seat was placed so near and so damn small that i dare not even move much lest i kick someone in the face!

so i'm heading back for some more light sleeping. i sleep alot these days. mostly because i'm not feeling fantastic, and mostly because someone told me that if i sleep more i lose more weight.

people has been saying that i've put on weight, and you guys know how crazy am i about my weight. drives me nuts!

have a good weekend you guys!

Weakness In Me

2010-11-29T18:07:00.002+08:00

when i first watch '10 things i hate about you' this was one song that appealed to me right away. of cos in the movie it was sang by joan armtrading. listen to the lyrics, it is so emotionally heartwrenching that years later i am still have the same affection for the song.

the songwriter had to choose between 2 great loves and the emotional conflict that he had to go through. its not just the lyrics that pulled me towards the song, but the way melissa and joan sang. its so full of genuine emotions you just cant help but to empthatize with them.

how was your week everyone?

i've been flooded with work lately and not sure why but i feel so lethargic. tired mostly, wanting to go on a holiday but dont know where to go. would love to hit somewhere nearby and just laze at the beach. miss ang went to seychelles recently and she tweeted about how much she love the place. i would too! i swear from the pictures, the sea could not get any bluer and truer.

where to go? where to go?

its been raining the whole day and i've been catching up on my sleep. it hasnt even stopped. really a good day to sleep. there goes my plan on doing my SOPs for the day.

2010 is coming to an end. another year has gone by, and soon i'm hitting the big 30. i cannot believe how my youth just seemed to past by without even a word, and as often i would wonder pensively if i had make worthwhile my life. most of my friends at this age are married, with kids and i still stood outside alone not sure of what i want. not sure of what i want to do.

rain is good. it always make me think harder of what i want from life.

i turned down another job position from hong kong. lately i keep getting job offers from abroad and yet the elusive one from australia is not materializing. i feel like i want to get out of here. do something different for a change. not having to listen bullshit about how good they are when in truth - they need a huge mirror to reflect the truth.

i really need a holiday man... i feel so tired. out of touch with life. just something would be good. anywhere. dear life, please spring me a surprise before the year ends...

Say 'Yes' Please...

2010-11-18T23:28:00.000+08:00

here you go...

for the die-hard romantic. not sure how much this wedding will you normal beings out there but i'm guessing at least half a million has been whacked for this job.

i would just want my wedding to be at some seaside. just me and him. a couple of witnesses, sign the cert and be done with it.

afterall - the fact that i'm getting hitched is way more important than stressing over remembering which vip guest is shaking my hand right now!

on the hand... if you're the daughter of a very famous company, you wouldnt have to worry one bit about dollars and cents nor the vips! ;)

anyway - congratulations nadia!

2010-11-13T13:50:00.002+08:00

i really dont think i'm spending enough time on myself.

lately it feels like i'm trying to spend as much time on everyone else that i forget that i need time for myself too. to do things that i like to do. hang out at the beach. go to the library. spend an afternoon at the museum. its crazy but it gets to me, and i wind up feeling frustrated and starts to ignore people around me. i just feel so damn exhausted... like its never enough.

combine that with my ipod dying. my phone on life support mode and i'm torn between buying a new watch or a bracelet or the mentioned above.

i'm plague with decisions and believe me - its not something i fancy.

i dont even feel like updating my own blog. oh god.

If You Forget Me

2010-11-04T15:22:00.001+08:00

I want you to know one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

Fire and Ice

2010-11-01T15:34:00.001+08:00

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if I had to perish twice,
I think I know enough to hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Robert Frost

Pop The Cherry!

2010-10-28T13:25:00.003+08:00

talk about amazement. BG called me last night and ask me if i wanted to work with his wife at Hide Yamamoto. now for many of you lovely people you would have known that i have jump on board Ku De Ta Singapore after being convinced by singam to do so. only problem was he quit when i was only 2 days old at KDT. needless to say i had to make do and shuffle along i did.

i would admit that i was having issues settling down at KDT in the beginning but now in my 3rd week already i'm settling down nicely. my only grouse? i dont see my other worldly favourite people (dugong, momo, chubs, sal, lydz) often enough! i keep in touch with lots of short sms and pray so hard that this would stand in temporary.

so anyway back to Hide Yamamoto.

so BG was sending me tons of messages afterwards when i turned him down flat about going over. he was convinced that i was unhappy at KDT and that i needed something more challenging than a club. on top he was also convinced that i needed a japanese restaurant to give me the boost that i needed in life. as an added incentive he was keen on having me as a trainer with Hide.

urm.

first of all, the only thing i like about japanese restaurant is the sashimi, and now after reading the poster about the blue-fin tuna becoming extinct, i'm not THAT keen anymore. second of all, i know nothing about japanese restaurant management and i'm not about to start now. and third of all... i just started with KDT why would i jump ship now?!

i mean sure with KDT there's so many things that we need to work on, but thats the whole beauty of it isnt it? thats how you learn to develop yourself further and push yourself. one of my staff was asking me, "with the many experiences that you have, why are you not a manager?"

i told him i could if i want to, but i have no interest in managing. the beauty of service line is that you get to serve and meet people. sure, it looks degrading when all your peers are flying the high line, but look at it this way. who can brag and boast that you came up close and personal with one of singapore's top investment banker and you're one his phone list?

probably when i'm hitting my forties i might regret some of the choices i made in life but for now i think i've been playing it relatively close to what i want.

a few wrong moves. a few mistakes here and there but heck. who hasn't come around to that?

the cherry on the icing? having BG calling me twice in a week offering me my old job back. now that is priceless.

Love Bribes

2010-10-25T13:35:00.004+08:00

it is a god-damn cardinal rule.

gentlemen, i am sorry, but the truth is all ladies wants some kind of validation that romance do exist in their lives.

you may think that after cementing the relationship status, you are now hereby from making any drastic moves or gestures. i am sorry to inform you that you have been wrongly guided.

thats right - you still need to make that monthly or tri-monthly worshipping. unlike men, women really do need something to validate the relationship. a card. a cookie. a magnet from some cheesy vintage shop. anything. doesnt't have to be a $4000 cartier watch. it just has to have some sentimental value.

no presents of "i-love-you's"? buddy you're dead. your girlfriend will be on your back anytime soon. spot something kooky but charming. get it. guaranteed to have her off your back for a few weeks.

but in all seriousness, it gives some comfort to her knowing that while you were out on the streets with your buddies, a quirky key chain caught your eye.. and you thought of her while you're at it.

by the way: this is not applicable if your girlfriend happens to be materialistic and superficial about presents. a seashell for a coach bag has no equal monetary value.

you have been warned.

A New Home

2010-10-22T09:48:00.003+08:00

at least thats what i would like to think of it.

making do with the situation that i have right now. on one hand i'm actually thrilled to be with KDT on the other hand i'm pissed that singam has abandoned ship.

it would have been fine if he had abandoned ship and that i was still with IRD but the fact that i moved from one end to the other only to have him say 'goodbye', that only got me really pissed. i would have been totally okay with the whole situation had he just stayed and worked the issues but no... singam just had to have his drama. needless to say he's no longer with KDT and i'm trying to make the best of my situation.

the first week was really tough. i didn't had any friends. i miss becka i miss momo i miss chubs i miss ibu i missed everyone on the team . i was literally just crying foul everyday to momo and chubs. i was so god damn miserable. mostly because i dont know what was going on, and that there was no structure whatsoever.

by thursday things start to picked up and yesterday i just had one of my off and after abit of footing around i think i might finally have adjusted. of course everyone's wondering where my loyalty stands, and right now my loyalty is towards the one who will hold my hand during my weakest moment. singam might be coming back to MBS and thats where all hell broke loose because hey dummy you left because you have so much issues with them and now you're coming back? urgh!

on a good note, becka and momo is starting their new post at their respective hotels and i cannot be more than pleased for them. at least they are doing something they love. i still can't find my footing!

mom's back by the way. home sweet home. i might actually kill her though if i spend too much time with her. you know her. hypochondriac, and that alone can kill me. she needs more attention than me and God forbids if i don't give her any.

dear god... please please please don't let me be that way when i hit my sixties.

doing my clearance today. cutting of all ties with MBS now. there's this sadness to it, i was kinda holding on to my pass to buy some time but now that the day has come, i really do feel a tinge of sadness. i will miss the place.

and brilliant sumatra can't stop burning, and so now the whole of singapore looks like it has been engulfed by fog. we actually look like brooklyn! haha..

iloveyoumorethanyouwilleverknow

2010-10-10T15:46:00.002+08:00

I've been to heaven , I've been to hell,
I've been to Vegas, and god knows where,
but nothing feels like home like you babe
I love you more than you will ever...

Whats on the calender?

2010-10-02T18:11:00.003+08:00

ever wonder what is love?

i'm home alone on a saturday night with no plans nor am i heading anywhere. was thinking of visiting my dear mother at the hospital but i have yet to budge from the sofa. chubs and momo are away with plans and here i am the social butterfly with no plans in my black book.

i dont feel like clubbing, nor do i want to go anywhere for drinks. i know i want to do something but i just dont know what. i have a feeling everyone's feeling the same. i miss my friends. i wish i could just call them randomly and tell them i want to hang out but as always i'm the one whom they would expect to have plans at the back of my hand.

so coming in at 7 pm i begin to wonder. what is love?

probing my brain for some kind of answers and i'm coming up with none. maybe i should just hit borders and research for something.

oh yes. thats what i should do when i'm bored on a saturday night.

Don't Let The Cookie Crumble...

2010-09-03T13:15:00.004+08:00

mom is heading for an operation today. her leg has gotten worse over the period and finally she caved in and agreed to have the amputation.

my mind's a blank right now. i don't know what to say nor think and i feel like i have been shortchanged in life and i know thats not fair. after all the one person who's going through all these would be mama and not me. after 2 months of taking care of her, though i admit its not a fantastic version, she still opts for adi and favours him more than me. now that my brother has returned to her side, she pushes me away and asks for him.

thats right. i feel shortchange.

i'm never good enough for her and i will never know why but yet somehow the world (...or should i say my family members...) wants me to keep on trying.

with her leg removed, one income down, i know people will expect me to take charge of the family and there i feel shortchange again and i wonder if its fair for me to feel that way. shouldn't you automatically be incline to take care of your family regardless of how they treated you?

just as i was surprise when chubs mentioned that i have never once talked about my family, and i was surprised at his observation. i never realised that until he remarked on it. as i reflect further, its true i rather indulge on my topics of my family. it was always friends, pets, lovers but never family.

have i grown so accustomed to the fact that i'm distant from my family that it makes no difference whether they are near or far?

or have i finally gotten used to the fact that maybe i'm only family by blood and no further?

mom's being wheeled into the operating hall and i hope everything goes smoothly and well. i just need the ones that i love be near me. no fuss. no mess. nothing. just hold my hand, let me rest my head on your shoulders and when i do cry, you pretend that nothing's happening and let me continue with my pride, or when you know that my will is crumbling and that i am having a breakdown, you hold me close and gather my pieces together.

its going to be one hell of a ride this fall. get ready.

In One Piece...

2010-08-30T16:27:00.003+08:00

let's try to blog more today shall we?

what have i been up to lately? total bliss and i have to thank my friends for that, for constantly keeping my sanity intact, for constantly accompanying me at home just so i would not feel lonely. kudos to chubs (puneet), momo (jacques) and gremlin (glynn) for putting aside their jam pack busy schedules to entertain yours truly.

amidst all the catch ups, i shuttle from work to hospital and back home on a daily basis and i swear it almost killed me. doing it alone with minimum support from family is a serious mental torture. which is why i can't help but to be eternally grateful to my peeps for having my back. so its true what they say, in times of adversity you see everybody's true colours.

i watch step up 3 last night with chubs and gremlin. i knew it was going to be predictable and yet i was game for it. for god's sake athena! i should have watch the expendables. maybe next round. its very i get to watch movie and when the opportunity arises i am not one to miss it. the thing with dance movies, they are all pretty much the same. its all about the competition and one hot dude/babe who can swivels his a** to face the moon for a good 60 seconds.

all jokes aside, i did like it, and in fact i like it so much that i actually danced at the theatre. a jiggle, not some fancy jive or tango! needless to say all the memories of me dancing came back like a cannon ball! i wonder if anyone remember cheeky monkey's dance-off? that was good...

for a while there i actually relive my dancing moments and for a while there i felt grace. combine that with the fact that i've been playing squash with the gang it was like high school all over again. hopefully without the hairline crack! and for a while there i wanted to return to NAFA and continue my dance diploma. talk about double entry! realistically thats not possible. if only i could turn back time, there's so many things i want to do but lacking the time to do. how i wish time would be my friend and not pass so fast.

saw this shop at cineleisure! the editor's market! similar to the one they have in madison avenue, the gimmick's the same. the more you buy the lower the value of the item. addictive... no? you just want to keep buying more! and when selina ask me if i would model her bags i sent her my sexually-angst face.

her response?

"some things don't change eh? you still look sexually-angst! send proper pic pls?"

i turned her down off course. modelling's fun when you're in your teens not when you're fat and old.

had training the whole of last week so technically i only worked for a good 3 days? talked about awesome and off course i was also late on all 3 days. argh! baba had to have a sit down session with me because he was concern with the fat that i was constantly late. since i had no valid excuse, i sat down for a chewing session. and oh boy... when baba nags, you better cancel your holidays for the year.

so anyway i want for effective communication with momo, and ibu was the trainer! yeay! major fun, needless to say everyone labelled me the snobbish one, and only after the end of the course they realize i'm a total nut-job!

learnt many on this course. how to communicate to your team, whether are you assertive, manipulative, aggressive or plain fleeing. how to do a line-up, what are the skills you require. i learnt so much during training than my 16 hour shift duty. bah. plus it doesn't hurt knowing that i didn't have to slave at the kitchen. *kwang* *kwang* *kwang*

mom's out of ICU for now. she's running a major fever and recently have been pretty temperamental. screaming at the nurse, being demanding. i'm still waiting for the consultant to get back to me. lately all i've been doing is waiting.

i'll show you guys her leg but please don't view if you can handle gore!

ready?

thats right. thats her dead muscles spreading upwards. what was suppose to be an infected toe has now spread upwards. so now the doctor wants to amputate her leg, oh god.. can you imagine? i would be miserable right now and i don't blame her for feeling so dejected.

i wish i could do more, but right now i have to worry about hospital bills and when she's discharged. my options are clear, in order to support the family i would need a pay increment and i can't get that here. i either take up RC offer in dubai, or H at bali. either way they can match what i want, but i would be away. with my brother agreeing to be around it seems like i need to decide and be fast about it. what would you guys do?

another option is to ask my dear papa to pull his weight around and shell out the moolah, but if mama were to know of this matter... God forbid i would still be around to blog!

so there you go. i have blog. i have whine. i have bitch. i have tried to cram everything i could into one piece. hope that all's fine with everyone! keep the mails coming in. i always love to hear from you guys.

meanwhile...

please be good! xoxo

A Quick Update

2010-08-25T00:36:00.002+08:00

tell me what have i been up to lately.

i've been shuttling to and fro, from home to hospital to work, and my routine does not change. it remains the same. mmommy's still in the ICU, but on a lighter note, her doctor says that she no longer needs the machine and she can have small meals. super exciting! the fact that she can remember me now, and call me by name makes me even more happy.

i have not make any confirmation to move out of in room dining yet, but i can safely say i would like to. recent changes within the department has force me to rethink my options and the fact that its a major white boys' club has not manage to reassure me at all. lately me coming to work takes away most of my energy, and this despite the fact that my off day only passed.

obviously i have not been writing at all, but the funny thing is i have been getting ideas for several projects already and one of them aptly named 'Project 365'. i need to work on the details for a bit before i can start on it, and off course coming up with the groundwork but oh yes, i'm looking forward to this!

i have training to attend tomorrow and hence no intention to stay up late...

will talk more, i promise...

Dear Mummy...

2010-08-05T23:56:00.003+08:00

Dear mummy,

I'm thinking what to write since I couldn't find the right things to say whenever I'm at the hospital, didn't mean to start the sniffles just now but when I saw you laying in bed so frail, I got so afraid that for once I really didn't know what to say or think.

I'm no angel that I know, I've said things which I shouldn't have said, done things which I shouldn't even have but for what its worth, if I were to lose you then I would lose another person near and dear to me.

Its really lonely coming home alone right now, with you away and Adi's weeks from coming home everything seems to be a mess and all I can do is pray that I would stay strong so that I could be by your side when you return. I've said my prayers and now I'm hoping for some form of a miracle, keeping my faith strong, hoping that God would hear my prayers.

I would gladly take your pain, just so that you would be healthy again, I'm so tired of forcing myself to trudge through the day, forcing myself to smile at people when in truth all I want to do is just stay away.

I miss your cooking, even if you like to mix things up. I miss hearing you recite the Quran and most of all I miss having you around. Somehow things are not the same without you.

I'm hanging by the thread, minute by minute I feel myself slipping. What will I do if anything should fall upon you?

Dear mummy, please come back to me safely and soon... I miss you very much...

The Sane Judgement, The Right Choice

2010-07-30T02:02:00.003+08:00

everything has been great. work's fantastic, love life's moving along nicely, i have my partners-in-crime and then suddenly - wham! with no signal, no head-ups, no blinking warning lights i'm hit.

mama's in the hospital right now. she bought a kenko blood reflexology slippers which was suppose to improve blood circulation, she bought it unknowingly that she, being diabetic were not suppose to wear such shoes. her doctor assumed that she knew about it. so she wore it for a day or two and then suddenly, her right feet got swollen, and turned black. mucus were flowing between her toenails.

she got worried, and had herself checked in. turns out her blood circulation is not flowing, preventing blood from circulating properly.

doctor give her the following options:

1. insert a stent with only 60% recovery
2. amputate the toe.
3. take option 1, but if it fails, amputate from ankle onwards.

i can only pray hard right now and hope that things take a change, in some twisted medical brilliant-ness and she recovers. so i'm not close to my mom, but she's my mother, my family and with my brother not around, i feel even more lonelier than ever. do i wish for someone? i sure do. i wish family's around right now, and i've never been more scared. the only thing that keeps me going is work.

and now work... ah work. with singam leaving, zamzi and derek also joining him, i feel even more so lost than ever. with the fabulous 4 hanging by a very thin thread, waiting for the powers to switch hands everything feels so vague, like a dream thats just misting around me.

i wonder whats coming for me now... i dont know if i'm strong enough to continue. it all feels so challenging, feels so difficult that i don't know whether am i making the right moves.

i can only hope and pray that i am making the right move and doing all the right stuff, and on top of that i hope that whatever comes on my way, i make the right judgement.

True Colours

2010-07-13T03:18:00.003+08:00

it has been one hell of a month if you asked me. ever since that day when i ratted on the 3 musketeers, things have not been the same, topped it off with the 'english only' attitude i was not winning any fans over.

with navin leaving heading for kudeta you can imagine my misery. after all he was one of the reason why i was willing to take up the job offer as a server despite my many experiences. he was my source of drama and now that he's leaving i feel empty, like a part of me has been separated.

its like when i know dugong dont like robin, i ceased my friendship with robin even though it hurts. i have not seen robin for a while now, and neither have i returned his calls or messages. its silly i know to give up my best buddy because of insecurities from my man, but thats how far i would go.

with politics boiling and the new shift in power you can bet that people are all clamouring for a piece of the action.

its depressing if you think about it.

and when it comes to my off day and dugong rather sleep in than to go out with me, it makes me wonder... am i getting really boring?

Let's Go Grab Some Balls

2010-06-22T22:29:00.002+08:00

i've been having a tough week at work. not just this week but it has been so for the past 2 weeks.

needless to say some people thinks i've been a pain in their a** and for that i agree. there are times when i really want to contribute hours at work, and times when i just want to work my skanky a** off with zero rewards and i know it gets on people's nerves. without trying to be an a**hole i have no doubt succumb to become one. why the huge animosity you ask?

you guys know by now that i'm on overnight shifts for the past month, and it has been intensively tiring. when i first came on board, the overnight team have not been trained, they were not good with their menu knowledge and were basically a bunch of slackers, now tie that in with a captain and an assistant manager equally the same, we have a bunch of loony tunes at night. now add that combo with me, who pretty much wants her crew to work 9 hours, and less play more work, you get an explosion.

captain came up to me one night and right upfront tells me to stop being on the ball too much because i am giving the rest a bad name, right after she stewed the team saying that they were of no hope in the first place. oh wow. imagine that. so much about lending support to your team huh?

my dear manager came up to me and told me to stop working the guys off for 9 hours because he rather they hang out and basically just hang out. for a while there i was thinking... are we being paid to do that?

yes - i know i should cut some slack, chill, relax and not take things too serious, but for the love of god. you are working, its busy, do something about it. as much as i like to go for smoke breaks, chill out session, there are major things to be done and i would expect the same level of commitment from everyone! off course in retaliation he has pretty much successfully made my life a living hell, putting me on long hours, with minimum manpower and pretty much just make snide remarks at me all the time.

as much as i would like to be a bitch. somehow, this is not a battle i want to win at so i pretty much just take it and bare with it. the only thing i ask for is this - since you've already tendered your resignation letter. stop harping to the rest of the world that you resigned because of me and that i want to take over your post. just an idea for you, every time i go up i get a range of tips between $50-$100, do you honestly think i really want to take over your post? i get freedom, i have lunch time, i get to hang out at the kitchen, people come over and give me freebies all the time! now what exactly makes you think i want to be in your shoes?

my friend, you're sorely mistaken. i have said several times over in the many months that i've worked with you, if anything i want to resume duties in the training department, not running around operations like one mad woman.

Hey You, Always On The Run!

2010-06-16T01:42:00.005+08:00

i so love meeting old friends! especially my very best friends and since coincidentally both were not working i had to hustle them to meet me in town to wine and dine (...well it was more of they shop and i watch...). meet up at 6pm at orchard and we were off. went to a few places to get a couple of stuff and for the first time i actually restrain myself.

not that i didnt want to spent nor do i not have the means to. i can afford to shop and there were a couple of stuff that caught my eye, but somehow the mood to spend was not there. i wound up buying a belt and a gypsy top and that was it. i guess my mind was still on my 3 damaged bags.

my eyes were flitting from shop to shop looking out for a bag that i would like and that could take on the weight of my habit of bringing the whole house with me whenever i travel, because i dont travel light, my bags usually dont last very long with me.

the 2 ladies, zillah and esti swore that they were not going to shop and in the end they too wind up with many many many purchases. on the grounds that i know a couple of places that were having sale, you can guarantee i brought the shops to them. somehow i still think i'm in the wrong line. i should seriously consider fashion!

celebrated our 2nd year anniversary and went to nando's chicken! yeah!!! Cornelius was twittering about how he wanted to head down there and so i google and what the fuss were about. apparently they serve really spicy food, mostly chicken and the ambiance were rumoured to be pretty good. so dugong brought me there, and the first thing he spot was the extra hot chili bottle.

did he find it hot? a big fat NOPE.

i actually forgot my camera!!! talk about stupidity, so i was mostly snapping pictures using my camera phone, but i swear i look gorgeous. i was in my billabong long-t, zara traveller's shorts and miumiu pumps, with little make up save for the bronzer i look chic! (shamelessly self praising...) super yummy-licious! i wanted to wear heels but on the grounds i can be pretty clumsy, i took a pass instead, perhaps another time eh?

my surprise present from dugong! aint it beautiful? its onyx and from metallurgy and they have quite a wide range of products so you really must check out their stuff. its a charm bracelet and simply look so beautiful that i almost took it off right after he put it on for me. kinda worried that i might damaged it! but i loved it so much, so i would wear it, and then keep it again. haha...

its said that onyx provide steadfast and repels negativity and when combine with amethyst, the power kinda doubles. whoa... kinda like power rangers eh? :D

the other night we went fishing the pasir ris pond. thought it was about time i accompanied dugong fishing lah. since it has been months since i never accompanied him ever since i busied myself with work. hauled back 8 fishes (and they were huge!)within 5 hours. must admit i did feel kinda proud when dugong said i could be his lucky charm! hardy-ha-ha! sure knows how to get to my heart that man!

he's going again on thursday so hopefully he'll get lucky again! with fishing you never gonna know whats going to be hook onto your line!

work have been intensely amazing lately. busy, filled with tension. its like a war zone over there. with only a couple of weeks left to the grand opening, you can guess everyone's pretty much trying to tie up the loose ends. most of them are also going to be confirm soon, so all the more everyone's making sure they dont screw the final bit.

on the other hand, me i've been falling sick so often now with flu i think my body is simply not responding well to the night shifts. dugong thinks its because i'm more of a day person and not a night person. dont really get it, but i just need to hold on for 2 more weeks and then yeay! i'm back to day shifts. i will miss my night chefs but i'll see them again on the next cycle.

just finish downloading SATC 2 for the 3rd time in a row. gonna try to watch it, otherwise i'm seriously dragging dugong to watch it with me!

That's Not My Name

2010-05-31T08:34:00.004+08:00

oh no... but exhaustion's not my name!

and yet you could safely say i'm exhausted 100% and my mood swings have been more active than anything else. this whole week we have been doing intensive trainings and when we're from the overnight shifts, ending at 9am only to stay a couple more hours was simply exhausting! i wind up sleeping for only a couple of hours before heading back to work to do more training.

argh!

not that i'm complaining much, i am enjoying more work, just at times i do wind up feeling very much more exhausted than usual. on a lighter note, one of my more playful boys if now on afternoon shift! yeay! more new guys are coming up to the night shifts so there are finally more rotations. t-rex is also coming down to the day shifts and i hope she is finally getting some work instead of taking MCs after MCs! oh boy, but that girl, she's something! super smart! she knows the right time to suck up. must learn a thing or two from her.

anthony's last day on the overnight team!

the very expensive caviar. chef has said that he does not like the taste and cant be bothered to be acquainted to it. at a price tag of S$590 for 30gm, i have to strike some heavy moolah before i would pay for any of it.

after our overnight shift and training, i dragged jacques to pay bill and buy black shoes since she happen to have discount card for new look. awesome place may i add? wind up discovering this super chic checkers trench coat. can i just also add that i look mad awesome in it? and yes... she does look like she's growling at me, and thats because she was hungry. hahahah...

i slept through the whole of my sunday. unbelievable.

One Year Older, One Year Wiser

2010-05-20T12:41:00.002+08:00

Happy 35th Birthday Ayang!

My very best wishes to you on this very special day of yours. I hope, and I pray that plenty of good things comes your way and all that you have been yearning for, wishing for comes true for you this year and in the many more wonderful years to come.

May you always stay on the right path, and may you always stay in the loving arms of God, may you find courage to fight for the weak, the wits to battle the cunning men of the world. I pray that you will alway see the goodness in mankind, and I hope that you will always teach the young ones to grow to be a respectful person as you are.

Happy birthday sweetheart...

Let's Earn Some Overnight!

2010-05-17T18:25:00.004+08:00

my first overnight shift and i survived!!!

well almost. i had to handover to gremlin, and she was being pretty naggy as usual, and plus there some training issues that cost kumar1 to blow up so you can imagine my morning after was ugly.

on a lighter note, i learnt alot of stuff today mostly from the night guys and its obviously different and more challenging because you're on your own and there is only a couple of stuff. pretty unique.

and the little fact that i earn more... does not hurt! ;)

and dugong sends me to work which is like additional bonus for me! i like! and i really appreciate it big time. saves me some travelling time.

dont know what time i'll end later though. i got plenty of OJT reports to do and they all have a deadline. either i sacrifice my off and come back or do it all 1 shot and enjoy my off day.

how?

Tell A War Veteran That

2010-05-16T17:42:00.002+08:00

i didnt blow up.

not as i would as other times. i know he was going to party without me, i had my other event which he was not too keen about me going. i turn on my silent mode and slept through the night.

previously i would kick a tantrum and made such a ruckus, but this time round i didnt. i got up around 8am, and realise he didnt message me that he's home, and thats when i got irritated - but still nothing major.

turns out later he felt that we break even because he was only doing to me what i was doing to him. what? by working? and then he raised an incident last month when i went out with my friends, and i got jumpy.

and then he start comparing what i did, forgetting about what he had done for the past months. like as though it didnt exist. tell that to world war's survivor. see if they agree with you. the fact that he made it sound. that it was all forgivable and forgotten because he bought 2 t-shirts, picked me up from work a couple of times and oh spend an obscene amount on my birthday.

did i ask you to do that?

have i ever appeared to anyone, especially you as a materialistic person? you honestly think thats how you gained atonement?

i appreciate the gesture but frankly monetary items has done little in the past to impress me and it would not have changed a bit now. i'm so easy: a watch on my birthday, dinner and i would have been more than happy. skipped the hotel. skipped the drama. but yes i appreciate it, but i would have preferred it if you didnt do it. i do like to spend time with you, but i also like to spend time with my friends since they were there for me when you behaved like a jerk, but i'm not a fan of sneaking around, never had never will.

but this time round i wasnt irritated that he went. just felt indignant that he thinks its ok to compare what he supposedly went through compared to mine.

excuse me? i hardly think thats a comparison.

i do appreciate whatever he has been doing lately. going for movies. hanging out and stuff like that. we dont always have to go for movies, just hanging out is equally fine with me too. i dont need to spend alot of money to have a good time. being happy is more important than anything else.

but the fact that i had no reaction whatsoever: that is something to be worried about, because i would usually have a reaction to everything that happens. and yet today i didnt. i didnt react. just got jumpy when he talked abt my friends and me.

isnt that strange?

Non Stop Work. Non Stop Exhaustion.

2010-05-09T12:35:00.001+08:00

non stop work until next week.

i'm exhasuted. full blown exhaustion.

i need a recharge. or a punching bag to vent my tiredness. anything's better than nothing.

oof.

Robin & Me...

2010-05-07T02:11:00.004+08:00

i miss my robin.

i miss hearing his voice. i miss talking to him. i miss bitching to him about the ridiculous people that i met while at work. i miss gossiping to him about our friends. i miss listening to his laughter.

i miss how i tease him about his lousy love affairs with teenagers despite being in his 30's. i miss how when i'm upset with dugong, he holds my hand and lets me bawl my heart out. i miss going places with him. i miss travelling for 6 hours just so we could get to a&w.

i miss how he's always believing in the best in me. i miss him telling me that someday people will appreciate my bluntness. i miss hearing him make cruel jokes on shorty and gang. i miss how when all things fail i can always count on him to make it work.

i miss my robin.

When I Look At You

2010-05-05T14:30:00.003+08:00

And you appear.. Just like a dream to me...

Giran En Torno A Mí

2010-04-30T11:46:00.002+08:00

it bothers me frankly.

that i revolve my life around dugong. that he used to be the number one in my eyes and he did no wrong. it bothers me that i thought he was my life. it bothers me now that i know i'm wrong.

oh i love him, i guess. i just dont want my life around him anymore. after a year of suppressed anger and sadness, it has come to this. i want to do my own things. i rather work 24 hours then to spend time with him. after all, i got used to the routine of seeing him only when he wants to see me, why should i change it now that i have grown accustomed to it?

let go of the past athena.

oh how easy for you to say. it was not you who went through a roller coaster ride in hell. it was not you who had to bear the brunt of the tempers, and so when dugong decided things should resume normality - i should jump? geez. when i wanted things to resume some sanity, who was jumping around?

now that i've built some parts of my life back, meeting people, hanging out with people, suddenly i'm expected to make time for him too? and i resent it! i really do. why should i? why must i?

i dont even want to go to a wedding of somebody i dont even know. no i dont. i rather be with my friends since i know them. i dont even want to pretend to enjoy myself. heck if i really am force to go, i rather go to work. at least i cant be forced to go to some crappy event. its childish i know, but i want to do things like dugong too. i think i should get a fair chance to strut my 'cock' around and abuse the one who loves me.

and no i wont.

i wont do what he did, because i'm not like him. i wont stoop to his level, but i can safely say i'm not revolving my life around him. he stopped revolving his around me ages ago. its high time i do so.

come what may.

Label Me... A Decade Later Won't You?

2010-04-25T23:55:00.002+08:00

it was one of those lazy afternoons. air was crisp, the hot summer heat bouncing off my skin. i just spent the night lazing around with a buddy without a care to the world and i have plans to spend the evening with a dear old friend.

it started as always fabulously enough. we were always making fun of random strangers, orchard road was packed with shoppers and its always fun to poke at the locals. always so uptight and always thinking of work (...or the miscellaneous affairs) despite being with their family, they can never seem to break away from the routine, and i always find joy in that. salina, my ever ready partner in crime was set at laughing her way through town.

and we did just that.

until we hit spotlight at plaza singapura. met an old friend, and as always i never fail to get excited at meeting them. the always obvious questions would turn up, "are you married? any kids? you've lost/pile alot of weight? you look great/strangely ugly! botox?/stress?" and when you hear the answers you nod politely, eager to have the conversation to move on to some juicy gossips. somehow, it didn't wind up that way with me today.

"so are you married yet?" richard asks, "you look the same as always. no difference lah!" i laughed and shrugged, "you look great. did you get married?" and as he nodded, he volleyed the question back at me.

i shook my head, grinning away. "no kids, no mortgage, no husband. same as always."

"oh dear... still breaking plenty of hearts huh?" he offered sympathetically, though i'm sure the sympathies were not for me, but for the many supposedly broken hearts out there. thankfully, the jars that i want were not at spotlight, hence allowing me a quick escape.

as i grabbed salina and walked away, my heart was pounding away. was that my reputation? the heartbreaker? the one who falls in love for a moment thinking she met the one, and then walking away after realising that he's not? for a while there it got me thinking, isnt it funny how people still think of you for someone you're not despite the fact that a decade has past, and yet no one can remember which country won the 1998 world cup. no one bothered asking me why i left, or why i couldnt be bothered to fight for the relationship.

as always people only seemed contend to label you and stick to what they know, then finding out the truth, and it does bother me.

maybe because the idea of turning 30 is beginning to terrify me, and i'm starting to be nitty over everything, or on the other hand, maybe because there were no salmon at the sushi bar we went to.

either way, i hate being label back then.. and its a relief to know that years later, i still feel the same.

In Room Dining!

2010-04-18T11:20:00.003+08:00

i could not say how crazy the week has been. 14 days to be exact.

i have been working my a** off to ensure that things are done and yet somehow i still feel like it has not been enough. opening's in another week's time and i always feel like we need more time. from training, to OS&E, to coaching. there is so much more we could do but right now it all feels like thats it for us. we're going to stage the show and nothing more we should do.

these past weeks have been amazing. i met so many new people, learnt so many things that i could not have done on my own. even the previous stints that i did pales in comparison. i met masters of the f&b industry who could proudly proclaim that they love service that even i, who claims to love service, really pales in comparison.

its people like this who reinstates your passion for the industry. oh yes, people may think that service industry is a no-brainer post, but when you really think about it, not only do you handle guests, you need to offer alternative and provide solutions in matter of seconds, really require a thinking brain. i love meeting people and i love every single second. to be bound to a desk ages you faster, and to be bound to a company you hate really feels like death is approaching.

so i can safely say i am enjoying my time here and there is nothing i would change about it. i got my buddies. i got food. i have shelter and i enjoy coming to work. waking up at 4.30 every morning seems to be working rather fine for me, though i know i'm still not a morning person. trying hard to be one, just doesn't seem to be working.

i popped into starbucks the other day, and when the barista called out my drink and served me with a warm smile, i'm reminded of the good old days in starbucks and how good it all been. guess at the end of the day, its the people in what you do that makes a huge difference. i still miss my morning coffees, i still yearn for my cream cheese bagel, and most of all i still miss the old people.

i hope this new team brings back new memories. its been a while since then...

2010-03-23T20:48:00.001+08:00

caught 'crazy heart', an oscar nominated movie which none of us knew about. it was pretty fun actually. i enjoyed the soundtrack especially. so right after i reached home i was busy searching for song titles and lyrics, and this was one of the song that i so like. its seriously cool, and collin farrel's in it so that pretty much notch up the cool factor.

2 more days to go before i turn 29. oh wow. one more year to go before i hit the big 30. ultimately neutral about the whole thing but i am wondering where is my direction right now. i'm neither here nor there. 2 more days before i officially end my 28 and this year there will be no big bang. it will be a quiet one. whats there to bang when heck, i will be working?

this morning i was up at 4am just so i could get to work by 6am. unearthly hour i tell you, i peeped out the window and there is no one! sheesh. thank god singam picked me up and we went to work together. otherwise i might just throttle him big time! urgh. waking up at 4am is seriously not my idea of fun.

1 more month to the grand opening. i'm seeing plenty of old friends.

oh wow.

Fab Week!

2010-03-14T17:42:00.005+08:00

here's the awesome people that i work with. needless to say they are a great bunch! i have this school-girl crush on puneet, the second from the left which is really silly, but he's so mad fab and so damn cute! ok so i have this thing for cute chubby ones. and the accent from bombay didnt hurt either. if anything he's always making me laugh, sorry ladies unfortunately i heard he's not available. already have this gorgeous thai babe.

the other 3 are my managers. people who have been around, mostly working overseas from amazing places but all in f&b industry. they are so insanely fantastic! every single day working with them is a never ending learning process. they have taught me so much and i know many more will come. we're moving onto site soon and my heart is beating so fast! i cant hardly wait. the downside: i have no idea how i'm going to handle everything. i'm already easily overwhelm by the vastness of the place.

we waited for almost an hour for our bee hoon and tulang! but it was so worth it, so yummy and finger lickin' good! and yes i know i look so cute in glasses. :)

and oh yeah thats anjas aka robin with me. went down to sands resort hotel celebrating
zacky's birthday. i was already so exhausted and all i wanted to do was just to go home and sleep and my ever-so-charming robin here wanted to go so i had to tag along. it was so hilarious. while on the way over i found his camera and start snapping pics and him being the man-whore that he is posed while we were driving!!!

yes. he can get that gay, but he can be so super charming and i know 100%. i'm so fiercely protective of him because i know he can get that way with me. after recent events with dugong, he's just been stepping up even more. i know people expect me to be the strong ones but frankly i'm so fragile that its ridiculous how at times i can tolerate the nonsense revolving around me.

but after all being said and done, i'm just happy that he's always around for me, other than he's urm... much to be question taste with girls. he's all right!

so while at the hotel with its 1001 Egyptian cotton blanket and bed we all try to squeeze and fit into the bed. i brought out my camera phone and next thing you know we were all cam-whoring! as usual.

and i kinda like the hotel. it had this super long pool, and the ambiance was really cool. cafe del mar was directly beside the hotel though i didnt drop by and azzuccar, the next in thing was next to it. lights were flashing everywhere. it was so cool. the fact that i was happy with my friends was great enough. i didnt need to care whether i have money or love.

i just needed to know that somewhere out there, i still have people who care.

so how was your weekend people?

Embrace All

2010-03-11T23:28:00.002+08:00

blink and chances are i would have missed whatever that has been happening to me lately. its been such a fab month that believe or not i find myself excited to get to work everyday. i work with such great talents and they are such a joy to be with that frankly, it was a shame that i did not get to meet them earlier in my life.

fortunately the chance has finally arrived. it is such a humbling experience. i've always know that i'm good at what i do. be it running an operations, conducting training, inspiring people and attracting trouble - but when you meet close to 100 different people from all walks of life, willing to share with you not only their experience, but their knowledge as well... i find myself taking many steps down from the pedestral that i cast myself upon.

and the one thing i will learn from this experience would be this: the next job that i launched myself into i'm going to make it as open, as fun-loving, minimize political drama. embracing every individual thats what i'm going to do. well i'm going to do it here as well lah... but i'm going to maintain it all the way.

its so family oriented that for many days i thought it really feels like home. i'm closer to most of them than i would ever be with some of the peepz at my previous workplace. needless to say, i have not pop back nor made an appearance since i left. the only thing i ask from them is that they leave me alone.

work's really fantastic too. i'm doing training now. though i'm not the core trainer but a functional one, it makes me feel so good when the functional trainer praised me. yeah i know. kiddy as it may be, it feels good to be recognise and not mocked at. stuff that i share with her, or opinions, are thought through carefully before she shares her feedbacks and its always such a joy that you always wind up wanting to do more.

my manager and my director are made of fantastic stuff by the way. i love coming to work to see them interact, or more like bitch fight. they will scream, shout, tease and yet before they leave for the day, they always make peace with each other. and no matter how busy they are, they always make time for everyone. and if you see their schedules you would know how jam pack they are, but to squeeze in 5 minutes for 11 manning is really a tight one, and i so appreciate the act.

the assistant managers (am) are another bunch of loons, the lovable ones. i wish you guys could meet them, you would love them so much. always up to something silly, you would find yourself laughing away, like now... writing this post winds up giving me the giggles. i got 5 ams right now, and all amazing people in their own field but i would never dare to underestimate them. they know their stuff and boy do they know how to strut it. but all said and done, whenever you need them, they too try to squeeze as much time as they could for the staff, and in particularly me.

because you see - me being the one with no experience and zero knowledge in this field, i need more attention. i ask more questions. i tend to probe more. i tend to frustrate them more. and its always so nice of them to go through the procedures, the SOPs, and the equipments with me. even when i forget and asked them the same damn thing. (...yes i'm super forgetful...)

anyway... i know people would say that because its only the first few weeks, people tend to be supernice to their new staff and the works, but hey: i got a good vibe on this one.

and i intend to make the vibe last for as long as possible...

*** sorry guys i'm not naming the people or the place since i dont want to jinx the good run. after probation or something ok? :)

30 Signs You're Dating A Jerk

2010-02-21T12:42:00.003+08:00

1. He can't take an innocent joke at his expense.

2. He works in advertising, has an M.D., or is the lead singer and/or most good-looking member of a band.

3. He tells you about the assorted girls who hit on him. Or worse, the ones who looked at him and thus OBVIOUSLY wanted to hit on him.

4. He gives you a verbal resume on a first date. Even if it sounds impressive, run.

5. He begins 75 percent of sentences with I.

6. He gets irritable when you IM while he's busy at work, but doesn't think twice about bugging your ass all day long when things are "slow" for him.

7. He tells you about the extreme minutiae of his day as if it’s fascinating.

8. He complains about how uncomfortable he is because it’s hot/cold/crowded, when clearly everyone in the situation is uncomfortable.

9. He's an advocate of unprotected sex because his penis is "too big" for condoms and/or he knows how to pull out with 100 percent accuracy.

10. He likes to talk about how successful he intends to be in the future, insisting that money won't be an issue despite the fact that he has four roommates and no career to speak of.

11. He has a verbal tick which requires him to preface everything with "I feel like ..."

12. He zones out when you're talking to him because he can't be bothered to focus on anything outside himself for more than 30 seconds at a time.

13. He couches every apology for wrongdoing in a subtle justification or excuse for his behavior. Ex: "I'm sorry I walked out on you in the middle of that movie the other night. I was really frustrated and upset. I just couldn't sit through it."

14. He fixates on how he's perceived by your friends and family, whether they like him, what they say about him, what they think of him.

15. He obsesses over decisions related to his appearance, like how many centimeters to take off at his next haircut.

16. He makes someone else record his voicemail message, so it seems he's more important than he is.

17. He's obsessed with making his XBox avatar look exactly like him.

18. He updates his Facebook status more than once a day.

19. He refers to everyone as "lil' b---- ."

20. He refers to himself in the third person.

21. He really doesn't think waiting for a table at a restaurant is something someone like him
should have to do.

22. He really wants to be famous. For something. He's just not sure what. But something.

23. He brags about how much money he makes, or even worse, will make someday if he
stays on his career track.

24. He's determined to please you in bed, but mainly because he doesn't want to ruin his record of "always making a girl come."

25. If you make suggestions about how he could be better in bed, he twists around the problem to be your fault — you're too uptight, not relaxed enough; you must not like sex; you must have intimacy issues, etc.

26. He is concerned about how your funky outfit/makeup/etc. will reflect on him in front of his more conservative friends or parents.

27. He fishes for info on how much money your ex boyfriends made.

28. He talks about himself in superlatives, like "I'm the smartest guy you'll ever date" or "My boss says I'm the best employee he's ever had in his whole life."

29. He asks you, point blank, if he's the best you've ever slept with.

30. He's too busy to help you move but still wants you to come watch his poetry slam.

De-clutter Your Room, De-clutter Your Life

2010-01-27T13:18:00.006+08:00

i was so inspired by oprah's de-cluttering segment today on hallmark that i decided to de-clutter my room. now if you know me really well, i tend to keep mementos. i actually believe that keeping them means they exist, and that the events did occur in my life and not just a figment of my imagination.

so i set about to de-clutter. first and foremost i start with my work desk. the place where i do ALMOST everything. i eat at my table, i surf the net, i watch movies and yes i do watch it online so fuck off if you think i shouldn't: like you're so holy.

i pounce on my bookshelves (my many many books, and my many many memories) and when i saw my old organizers, i almost wanted to stop my insane act, but i persevered and held on and shoved it down the chute before i had a chance to re-think.

i did gave myself a couple of minutes to read the stuff i wrote. i even had some of my old flames' love letters. needless to say i dumped them all. sorry loved ones.

now if you're inspired by me, or need more inspiration, have a look at this video about de-cluttering. its not the same segment as oprah but this guy happen to be one of the reason why i decided to de-clutter. his tips were all so useful! who knows you might be inspired and dump all those unwanted stuff. unwanted stuff are usually unwanted memories. good luck!

and i watched 'new moon' already. while i prefer twilight, new moon was pretty ok. i didnt like the book, so i had mixed reactions to the movie, but it was ok. not as bad as i expected. over-hyped but then again, its robert pattison anyway. :)

Crabbing & Cooking

2010-01-26T10:32:00.003+08:00

dugong brought me to go crabbing on saturday night. it was more of him fishing, me sleeping and crabbing. it was pretty gore at first hour. i had to cut fish, bloody and all hook it up onto the cage and lower it into the sea. dugong even dropped one and had to use his rod to pick it up. that was pretty funny and intense, for a moment there i thought he was going to jump into the sea. changi beach was pretty murky and the water did look rather deep, plus we were alone - so help was like miles and miles away.

anyway i wound up catching 3 mudcrabs and 4 flower crabs, but being the noob that i am in crabbing, i released the mudcrabs since i wasnt sure if it can be eaten. the 4 remaining ones i decided to cooked a storm at the kitchen. i included the recipes for this ones, just incase you decide to try them out. bon appetit!

kerabu timun

1 whole cucumber
30gm dried shrimp (Soak to soften) - You can use anchovies also
Sambal belacan
5 Lime
1 Bunga Kantan (Sliced)
1 Big onion (Sliced)

Method

With 2 tbsp of oil, fry the shrimp and the sambal belacan. Mix it thoroughly.

De-skinned, and de-seed the cucumber. Cut into small pieces. Salt it for 10 minutes, wash and drain.

On a separate bowl, squeeze the juice of the lime, mix in the cucumber and the shrimp paste. Put in chiller. When ready to eat, mix in the bunga kantan and onion.

Serve!

ayam masak lemak cili padi

Ingredients

1 whole chicken or roughly 8 pieces of wings, marinated in 2tbsp of tumeric and 2 tsp of salt and a little water. Fry till 1/2 cooked.

*to be grounded* - I blend. I like it to be mix thoroughly. Traditionally you should pound it. *

2 big spanish onions
6 cloves of garlic
an inch of ginger
2 inches of fresh tumeric (if not available,1 tbsp of tumeric powder will do)
1 tbsp of dried shrimps, soaked to soften
2 tbsp of belacan
10 -12 bird's eye chilli (if you want it more pedas just add more chilli)

2 cups of water
1 piece of dried tamarind
3 pieces of kaffir lime leaves
salt to taste
a tsp of sugar
200ml of thick coconut milk (the packet one will do)

Method

Heat abt 3 tbsp of oil. Saute the ground ingredients till fragrant and cooked. Add water. When it's rapidly boiling,add the chicken, dried tamarind, salt, sugar, kaffir leaves and coconut milk and stir till cooked. At this stage, keep it to a simmer, stirring always to avoid 'splitting' the coconut cream. Adjust taste and remove from heat. Serve.

black pepper crab

3 tbsp. vegetable oil
3 garlic cloves, peeled and finely chopped
1 tbsp. peeled and finely chopped fresh ginger
2 tbsp. oyster sauce
2 tbsp. dark soy sauce
2 tbsp. thin soy sauce
1 tbsp. sugar
2 tbsp. coarsely ground black pepper
Fresh kafir leaves (Daun limau) - Optional. I use this to counter the spiciness of the pepper, entirely up to you. You could use cilantro leaves also.

1. Heat oil in a wok or a large skillet over high heat. Sauté crab pieces 2 minutes. Remove from pan and set aside.
2. Turn down heat to medium; add garlic, ginger, and chiles. Cook 3 minutes, stirring frequently. Add oyster sauce, dark soy sauce, thin soy sauce, and sugar and kaffir leaves. Reduce heat to low and simmer 30 seconds.
3. Add pepper and return crab to wok; stir until coated with sauce.
4. Serve!

Thank You God...

2010-01-21T23:27:00.002+08:00

i have something to share with all of you today.

i know some of you are waiting for the results of my last thyroid test, and after waiting for a whole month, with me constantly biting my nails in frantic worry, today the doctor from SGH (thank you dr tan for all your patience) declared the lump in my throat to be benign. though it did grow a bit, 0.1cm, it was nothing compared to the next piece of news when he thought there's nothing to worry and i'm thyroid cancer free! off course this means i still have to come back every 6 month for a review and a top up of my thyroxine which is to replace my hormones.

you cannot imagine what a wreck i've been and although i try not to show it, i was worried. worried because the doctors did thought it might be cancerous, worried because i did wonder, whats next? as children i've always believed that cancerous patients are skinny and bald... and when my doctors told me that there are patients who put on weight or look significantly normal and some did not even know till they were in their final stages it did shook me up.

how fragile life is...

despite the fact that my total medical fees set me back at sgd$350 just for today alone, it was small change for that wonderful piece of news.

so thank you... to you who have showered me with a prayer, a thought, a blessing. i may not be able to do so personally, but i am nevertheless grateful...

sungguhnya aku bersyukur padamu ya Allah... Alhamdullillah...

Goodbye... Again...

2010-01-18T16:09:00.003+08:00

it is with great sadness that i'm leaving st james... yet again. well not really that sad, it was expected but i didn't expect to stay this long with the company. i left previously in march, and afterwards took on projects, nothing full time, until daniel called me back and asked me to help out co-ordinating bufferman and glenn till year end. what was suppose to be an easy project took on its own toil. i got sick with IBS and was often on medical leave, bufferman has his 1001 issues, and Glenn being Glenn was busy being drama-mama. things couldn't kick off till now, and even then it was because i registered them on my own, and did not wait any longer. the more i wait, the more i will be here.

don't get me wrong. its pretty fun to work here, i get free booze every night, great people to work with (some... not all) and there's always drama, gossips to go around. infact if you think about it: st james have enough drama to compete with the hills, or gossip girls, and we will WIN. hands down. maybe because of the hours or the number of days that we contribute here, its almost norm to bitch about someone as soon as they walk past, what else is there to talk about? you see the same people close to 55 hours a week. somehow, somewhere you just have gotta bitch. we have internal affairs here. its norm for some of us to change partners, flirt secretly, and for those strongly committed to their partners, often find their strength tested. its no secret that there were staff caught making out in the bottle store, or cheating on their partners. its a lonely world despite working for singapore's largest entertainment complex. i used to joke that the reasons people enjoy staying here long was because at home, its simply way too depressing.

i still do by the way.

have i learn anything from this experience?

plenty. i learnt that even if i think i can make a difference to a place, if the place or the person is unwilling to allow me to make changes then there is no point thinking i can do it. while i know i tried i don't think i made an impact big enough to take over st james. customer service, staff welfare will still remain the same, but at least i know this time round, i don't make my emotions known as previously. back then, i would have gone nuts trying to be happy but now i just let it go. like dugong said, "there is really no point trying to recommend changes when your team are not doing it..."

am i biting the same hand that's feeding me?

no i'm not. i am grateful for this experience, but if i could turn back time, i would be more careful with my choices. i would not just jump every time i think there's a possibility for me to make a change somewhere. before i go however i want to clear some things up. i know nobody's going to read it but it would make me feel better clearing these on my blog than to voice it out anywhere else. if its one thing i learn from bufferman, shut your issues, not EVERYBODY's interested. :)

1. the drunkard story - not true. according to daniel i was drunk all the time and only know how to drink and nothing more. truth was i was drinking virgin maries, occasionally indulging in white wine or some days. most of the time i gave my drinks privileges to the ground staff or to bridget when she stays in late.

2. the not-working story - not true. i was suppose to work on a total of 7 modules. streamline 3 modules, develop 2, assist 2. i streamline 3 modules which bufferman and Glenn did, (OK so bufferman got Nad to do, and Glenn just copied everything from Wiki), develop 1 (the other one in process), assist 2 (can't assist since they JUST start their class only today). i can't develop however since the performance criteria, and competency element was only given to me only a week before the new year. so imagine these, i was developing my module blindly. fortunately i had ACTA lecturers who were willing to lend a helping hand. otherwise, i can just go hang myself.

3. breach-of-contract story - not true. i wasn't offered any contract nor did i have any contract. its more of verbal agreement. i agree to stay for a few months with them, wait out bufferman and Glenn to finish their modules (3 months) and leave. if everything HAD followed accordingly to the plan, it would have been end of 2009. but nooo... everyone must start their drama.

4. take-over-bufferman - you're kidding me right? take over him for what fuck? daniel did ask me to stay for a year, and be training manager, but i turned him down. i was not going to stay that long seriously.

5. no-buddy story - pretty true. its seriously lonely for me here. i'm not close to anyone so usually i have lunch or dinner on my own. that's why its impossible for me to be a drunkard all the time since who the fuck would i go drinking with? since zully left, i don't have anyone to hang out with. i can't even hang out with hershey kisses since she seems to hate me big time, so i'm on my own. occasionally when i'm lucky i have someone to hang out with. otherwise, its just me and my E63.

6. leaving for greener pastures - semi true. haha. greener pastures is only coming in april. in the meantime i have to sit out and wait since my HMC project is cancel till next year. anyone looking for part-time staff? and no - i can't guarantee you a spot in marina bay sands, or resorts world. who the hell started this stupid rumour anyway?

7. made-a-pass-at-a-bartender - that story... that headline alone is getting stale. do you honestly think i have that much of a time to 'make-a-pass' at some kid? i do hang out at a particular bar, especially when i like the music, but to attempt a pass, is seriously not me. i admit that i pestered a bartender for a cocktail recipe, but to go further? no way my people. it takes more to get me over to your camp. you got to at least be able to think with your brain and not your a**.

8. introduce-too-many-courses - true. i did send them out to quite a bit of ESS courses, but only because of the feedback i received on my first week back here. most of them were itching to break away from the monotonicity of routine so i send. besides - its only sgd$20 per person. sheesh.

9. encouraging people to leave - semi true. depends on who i'm talking to, and depends on what angle. if they want to continue their studies, i would say 'hell yeah' but if they are asking opinions on breaking grounds i ask them to talk to their therapists.

10. can't get along with people - again it depends on who you talk to. otherwise, if i don't hang out with the people here, how the hell do i even get along? i stay out of their way as far as i'm concern. everyone seems to have this pained look on them. its all way too surreal for me.

so there. its all out. i can breathe easy. for a while.

all the best you guys. i'll come by for a visit whenever i can... but in the meantime - keep holding on, hold the fort, stay true, and most of all: keep your ethics please.

goodbye st james.

for the second time in my lifetime. ;)

Pick & Choose

2010-01-13T17:21:00.002+08:00

help me out here.

on 23rd i have a very important interview with sass atlantic. its a make-or-break deal and i'm very excited at being invited for the interview.

because this is by invitation only, all the more i want to go since i have waited for more than a year for this interview to come through.

my only problem is this - i have a short holiday trip to phuket, thailand.

i have always wanted to go to phuket, but on the other hand i'm pretty broke so i should even go actually, on the other hand i REALLY want to go.

but if i go for the interview then i can't possibly go for phuket and vice versa. in other words: i have to choose.

*gasps*

i know i know. only i would have and face this kind of problems.

i can't reschedule the interview since they are here in singapore for only one day, and i can't refund the tickets since its already book. why should i do? what do you guys think? should i stay for sass atlantic despite not knowing my chances, or should i just sunbake myself in phuket and risk it all?

an opportunity that cannot be missed? or a holiday at one of my dream destination?

Giving All You Got...

2010-01-11T22:49:00.003+08:00

its all about trying, even when we quarrel, exhausted all means of salvation... when you refuse to give up, it makes me want to try just as hard or harder.

even though i'm exhausted ayang...so damn exhausted.

but i will try, because i love you... because i want to spend a lifetime with you, because you make me happy (...when you don't piss me off), because you shake my very core, turn me inside out, mess with my head, and yet when you hold me to sleep...

at times i actually believe that is all enough.

thats what love is all about isn't it?

keep on trying, making it work, not giving it up... giving it your best shot...

Too Much Loving Could Just Kill You

2010-01-10T14:49:00.005+08:00

when you walk in late, 6 hours late from your agreed time... i was not angry. as a matter of fact i feel resigned, defeated. entahlah kali ke berapa yang kau dah mungkir janji, but this time round i just feel resigned. i wasn't sad, aku tak ngagis pun satu malam, infact i was on the net, surfing, watching TV, chatting with friends whom i decided not to meet because kau cakap kita nak gi pancing pukul 6 pagi dan tak akan pulang lewat.

i have a confession.

when you walk down the stairs, aku dah tahu kau tak akan pulang pukul 2. when you start to bodek-bodek before you leave, kononnya macam nak manja-manja dengan aku kan, dah lagi reinstate my thoughts, and when anjas; my infamous sidekick wanted to make a bet with me that you would not be home until after 6am, i gave up. that was definitely a sign of things to come. aku ni dah tahu benar dengan perangai kau tu...

if you ask around, many would say you are the luckiest bastard around - not because aku ni hot stuff ke, or aku ni pramugari ke, but simply because the freedom i give to you is unbelievable and whatever you request (or demand) i give in. dalam banyak-banyak relationships aku (selain daripada hasrin & syawal) i stayed loyal, and i try my darnest to change for the better for you. the rest i can't even be bother since i don't believe in monogamy. didn't i make that clear to you when we first got together, but you said so lovingly that you can make things work, and so i give it a shot and try - and God knows i've tried. tapi makin hari belalu, aku feel like aku have fail and all my confidence just seem to seep away from me, and i just don't have this strength to go on anymore.

because kau rasa i'm in your face all the time, i only see you in the weekends, kalau kau club atau pancing, make it half the weekend. we don't go out or meet my friends, because sahajalah excuse hebat for the day. remember NYE? remember movie night? remember NY bbq? you request for friday to be a boys' night, aku mengalah even though aku tak berapa suka. make it a weekly thing pulak tu, and don't bring GFs at all. aku mengalah.

i admit i can be anal, a worrywart, i don't fuss over my looks like other girls do, but at the same time i would have thought i also have some good qualities about me otherwise why would some people sanggup leave their marriages for me? why shouldn't i accept their offer? pasal aku tak nak pecahkan rumahtangga orang... simple as that. i don't bother clearing up the air, because someday they will know. i don't need to bullshit my way through.

i remember once, you told me to 'fuck off'... sejahat-jahat aku pun, belum pernah aku maki kau in your face. bpb kata sabah, pasal kau mabuk. aku diam, who likes it when someone fucks them in their face? i think i'm the only one in this world who actually allows it to happen. or when you told me never to ask you to say 'i-love-you' cause i should already know it by now...

it all feels like a stupid, screwed up joke. never to say 'i-love-you' cause i already know it? sheesh. mungkin sebab itulah makin lama kita makin disconnected from each other. kau acted all iri hati bila anjas ambil aku dari kerja, but my question to you is kenapa kau tak nak buat? oh thats right, cause you're tired.

tapi kalau jumpa kawan kau halfway across the country, hujan ke ribut, penat tak penat tu semua secondary.

and the final straw came, when kau masih pretend yang kau ni single and aku tak wujud dalam hidup kau. that kau pretend yang kita belum tunang, or that i don't even exist in your life infront of some of your friends or colleagues.

that ayang...even i don't do.

exactly 1 year ago i turn down hong kong offer to stay in singapore to be with you.

that decision proves to have cost me not just my sanity, but my ego and pride as well.

and for the second time in my life, i am saying this to you as i've said it to KJA. checkmate. you win. i don't wish to play these mind games anymore. its tiring. i'm exhausted, and i can't lead a normal life. for you. aku sanggup tak buat wedding, cuma majlis pernikahan, since you keep saying that you won't do it, and you will only turn up should i insist on a persandingan, i've give in...when we talk about pregnancies and how you won't allow me to enjoy the full scale of it by breaking a superstition belief to keep on fishing, i kept mum. even that you won't give me? i chose tubal ligation.

the extent of what i would do to keep you happy, is unbelievable. tapi tak apa, aku relakan segala yang sudah terjadi. mungkin ini semua suratan takdir daripada Allah S.A.W. and i'm not in the position to fight it. i wish you well ayang. maybe the reason why you always hold back the good stuff on me, is probably because i'm not the one...

and for that i'm really sorry.

God knows i love you, but somehow even that is not enough.

2010-01-10T04:16:00.002+08:00

talk about losing a bet in the worse way possible.

anjas predicted you would only come home at 5am, and i replied arrogantly, confidently that you would be no later than 2.

left to be made a fool yet again by you.

you dont keep your promises. you dont think highly of me anymore. you think i got clumpy coloured hair. you think i have a strange fashion sense. if i'm not that perfect for you, why would you choose me? wouldnt it be easier to just choose somemore within your category or standards?

i was so hoping you could prove anjas wrong.

instead you choose to prove me wrong.

Love Is A Losing Game

2010-01-01T22:43:00.004+08:00

how was your new year everyone?

the eve was good for me, and i took it as a sign and the minutes heading towards it was so crappy that i had to walk away several times over the minutes just so i wont stand there and cry.

but at least i spent NYE with my favourite people. we countdown together, scream together and plenty of poppers together.

and how my patience is wearing thin, and though i know i love him more than he will ever love me, my patience it is wearing just thin. i know i'm just going through the motions of entertaining him at times.

bullshit getting so intense that i wonder who's the one with the imaginative mind. and there he sat, in his drunken stupor telling me how he LOVE spending time with my friends, how i'm his best friend, how he loves having me around, and there i sat listening to him drone on and on, pretending that he care when in truth - i know you hate my friends, i know you hate hanging out with them. you dont like having me around you at times. so you hate doing whatever it is that i like doing. its not like you care if i ever do anything or whatsoever. so you think i'm a pain-in-your-a**. so whatever. its been months since we watch movies, ages since we went out, i dont huff over it. so you like pimping for your friends, entertaining strange random girls in the club, so ok... i dont do it, i never get it.

it doesnt mean i'm perfect.

it just means i love you so much that i cant bear to hurt you not one beat. not even when my heart is aching, and not even when i feel so alone, and lonely and far away from people. that even when i have things to whine about i just hold it in and no longer share it with you because i know you hate it.

that even though i feel so empty at times - i still dont puff on it.

at times whenever i see a couple in love, i would stare long and hard. i often wonder when was the last time someone looked at me with love, and i wonder what it feels like to be touched by someone who loves you.

strange as it is. in love we all take a chance and gamble, but honey... we all tend to forget that love.. is but a losing game.

You've Been Serve!

2009-12-25T12:29:00.002+08:00

i was so damn pissed yesterday.

i was accused of something i didnt do and that was enough to set me off.

apparently i was missing from the office since 6pm and did not appear and daniel was sitting at my desk since 6pm waiting for me to submit the report.

yeah right. i have zee and zully as my witnesses and they were beside me packing the candy canes till 6.45pm. if i was really gone before 6 i wonder who was holding the green bag for zee to stuff the many many many yummy candy canes?

and bufferman was pretending to act all concern.

whatever lah. stop pretending and acting like you ever care. it only serves to hate you more than ever. and by the way, stop bitching about your wife to random strangers. right now she sounds like trailer thrash, and you some pitiful desperate neurotic a**hole.

memang padan muka kau tak dapat jadi OM.

珊瑚海

2009-12-24T03:32:00.001+08:00

毁坏的沙碉如何重来有裂痕的爱怎么重盖?

Gush of Wind.. Could Not Blow Down The Stone House

2009-12-23T14:46:00.002+08:00

i just accepted a job offer. i just send out my acceptance message over the mail. was contemplating it the whole day whether i should take it up since the position offered to me is no doubt of a much lower post than my present or previous, but the job scope sounds challenging, and it a new environment so thats something i'm looking eagerly towards. for a while i wonder if i'm betraying anyone by leaving the company, but then after that talk i had with bufferman, i'm taking that if i leave i'm not at a loss.

to quote him, "...with your ridiculous love affair with hershey kisses, you were already marked from the start. they only got you back to get started on the modules (sic). they cant get me to start since i dont have the proper certifications, and i (sic) stress to start it off."

whoa.

i figured i was asked to come back to help, but i didnt know it was at that angle. it was disappointing however to hear it from bufferman the lousy fact. i dont need to know and i would have been none the wiser but i'm guessing he did it to spike me big time. oh well. i'm cheesed off but i'm not really that affected. afterall - words cant kill me. plus i'm thrilled by the fact that as much as i love to whine i dont play the sympathy card like you. you my friend seems to have a habit of telling the whole world about your sorry family affair.

it makes me wonder if you're for real or just wringing the sponge as much as you can.

i didnt probe much about hershey kisses, it was never his story to tell anyway, i stopped him there and told him off. its none of anybody's business i always say.

its quieter at work now that zully is not around. no music. pam was on leave yesterday so the whole place was even more quieter. wong kept to herself in the room and MK, typical MK was constantly disappearing faster than you can an oreo cookie.

i'm not feeling well again. i got my cough and fever, so i dont feel that fantastic honestly. caught the bug from either uncle d or the son. sigh. what luck. why couldnt people just stay at home when they are sick. there's people with fucked up immune system. i feel kinda lousy right now and i was so thinking of hitting mango to buy some tops.

NYE's coming, X'mas right around the corner. what are your plans for the festive seasons?

Flip A Coin

2009-12-18T01:15:00.008+08:00

i will be watching this movie. even the trailer had me in stitches. imagine going for one of this retreats because you have relationship problems. oh i really dont know how its ever going to turn out. its a comedy centered around four couples who settle into a tropical-island resort for a vacation. While one of the couples is there to work on the marriage, the others fail to realize that participation in the resort's therapy sessions is not optional. so follow that with stupid antics, you wind up with a bad stitch! who's watching it with me huh?

i bought zully a farewell cum xmas present. its officially his last day, and i'm really upset. we've gotten really close for the past months since i came back and we shared quite a few stuff so i was not looking forward at all to him leaving, but the good thing is he's leaving for france, and france being my favourite country, i'm filled with glee and excitement for him as well. mixed feelings.

the thing is when he's gone, i dont really have anyone to talk to. i'm not close with the rest of the guys and i'm not keen to talking with them. we've never been close anyway. sigh... look like its time to make new ones i suppose.

and by the way, glenn tendered for the 10th time, and retracted his letter for the same number of times. how lame is that? all you have to do is stroke his ego, pat his head and yeah, he change his mind. come on - if you REALLY wanna do it, go and get lost. dont do the drama shit. its seriously getting pathetic.

dugong's fishing again tonight. i'm happy he found his calling, he's really good at it you know? he's always tying knots and rigging stuff, and he always catches all the unique kind of fishes, the kind that you dont see in the markets. the rare finds i always say. he sent me a photo of the crab, and says its good for chilli style of cooking. i told him as long as its 100% dead i'll touch it and cook it. otherwise, forget about me coming close to it. he just msg to say that he caught another fish and he's staying late till he finish his baits. i hope he catches another flower crab, then i can cook more chilli crabs!

i haven send in my resignation letter yet. i'm having mixed feelings about all this, confused and unsure. do you know what i should do? if only life was as easy as flipping a coin. toss to one side and hey thats your decision. no fuss nothing.

and new moon - can somebody (...anybody...) please just watch it with me already?

On Wednesday - I Laughed My Heart Out...

2009-12-16T22:47:00.003+08:00

have you read this book?

the time traveller's wife. zul got it for me, an early xmas present. dont you just love surprises? i was reading it from page to page, devouring words after words and then i got to the ending.

and it was depressing like fuck!!!

while i enjoyed the book no less, it was depressing to know that clare had to wait till she was 82 before she meets the love of her life, who happens to be born with some gene defects allowing him to time travel but with little control. needless to say i was in a foul mood afterwards. i hated stories with sad endings, and though the book was good. it kinda wind up making me melancholic, and i hate it when i start to feel that way.

if you ask me should you buy the book and read, well i would say 'yes' but do not expect much of a happy ending. its a twist, but not the way i like it... but oh do get it, or if you want a short cut just go watch the movie. again, i was told the movie did not do the book justice but with 518 pages and only 90 minutes to squeeze in it, no movie could and would ever do a great book justice. oh wait i take it back, 'lord of the rings' was awesome, both movie and book.

i bought new shoes!!! well i bought 2 pairs of shoes and a pair of sandals. dugong gave me shopping vouchers and off course i jumped with excitement. you know how cats get very excited when you wave a fish in front of them? yeah - you get the same reaction when you wave shopping vouchers in front of me. i get seriously happy and when i get to buy shoes. i can practically feel the waves of orgasm riding over me, flushing me with excitement. shopping is better than sex. seriously.

and then we walked around town for a bit. sunati's pretty heavily pregnant by now, so we had to walk slowly and refuel rather often but it was ok. she's hilarious at times. i bought her a earring from dugong's voucher. well i had to fork out a couple of bucks but it was dirt cheap for hours of fun. we eye-candied abit and i laughed at all her weird tastes, and she thought i was sickeningly irritating for being loyal to dugong. (...i told her i love dugong's tummy and thinks he's hot when he's snoring...)

and just for your info, dugong can sleep. i just realise that he can sleep for hours, from 4pm till 8am the following day. this being done without a break in between. he merely got up to switch from the sofa to the bed. i was so damn cheesed at him last night. there i was bored shitless and there he was snoring away.

and then i got home to this. i opened up the letterbox and lo and behold - it was filled with junk mails. seriously? even with the latch up? nana says the postmasters are paid to let the junk mails in, and with the amount that i'm holding up, its no wonder than the earth is dying. leaflets, junk mails... there were so many and guess how many letters did we have? 3. thats right ladies & gentlemen. only a couple of letters but close to 30 pieces of junk mails. urgh!!! is this someone's idea of a joke? save the environment my pretty a**!

and oh... i'm withdrawing from st james project. apparently i'm not up to the standards and competencies that they require. sigh... well i guess its time for me to look for a new job, and find something else. bummer. ;)

and by now you have seen the new design for my blog. do you like it? its different i suppose, but a its the end of the year and i wanted a different blog designa and halimi was taking just about F-O-R-E-V-E-R so i decided to kickstart it myself first and the professionals can do the rescue mission later when they are ready.

oh well... gonna do some facebook and then hit the sack. be good, stay safe.

Sometimes... A Good Cuddle Covers Some Emptiness...

2009-12-15T21:12:00.000+08:00

it was funny all right. i went for a karaoke session with dugong and his new pal, aizam at this KTV corner over at jurong. it went well, (...probably because i wasnt singing!) we had a bottle of chivas, stout and a couple of tequila shots. they sang several old school songs, some i recognise while the rest mostly flit for a while in my memory.

and then at 3am we went home. aizan got pretty drunk by then, was crying, was pretty much emotional - wanted to go home with a tranny even. i almost laughed my a** off if not for the fact that it was dugong's friend. we sent him home, back to the wrath of his wife, and even that was funny, cause right before he got smacked by the wife, he stepped on one of his fourteenth cat's tail.

hilarious.

and then by the time we got home, dugong was pretty sober. the buzz was no longer there, but he was pretty intense. went for a chat with one of his brother ucop, trying to talk some senses into him. had a couple of curacao and then finally he decided to settle in for the night with me tucked in his arms.

and as i place my head beside him, listening to him whispering sweet nothings, sometimes when the heart is feeling confused, and lonely... a good cuddle, with a dash of sweet nothings are often enough to drive it away.

temporarily. %)

1 Wedding... 100 Tears...

2009-12-15T05:14:00.002+08:00

i have not been the biggest fan of weddings for like the longest time. it does not take a genius to figure this out. i hate going to weddings and the lucky fews that manage to haul me to theirs deserve some kind of recognition - because - not only do i try to squirm my way out of an invite, when i DO get to the wedding, it does not last more than 10 minutes. make an entrance, grab a table, pile plate with food, swallow everything, give red packet and then LEAVE. anything more than 10 minutes? check out the dessert table, smile at random way-too-dressy people whom you'll never meet again for the rest of your life, and THEN leave.

but lately, weddings have been bringing a tinge of sadness to me. lately i spent more than just 10 minutes at a wedding. i spend more time as a matter of a fact. i would look at the decor, appreciate the food menu, discuss over the centre-piece, marvel at the dais, and usually would wait for the bride and groom, and of course when they appear, i would smile, but my smile would be forced. i'm not unhappy with them nor wishing them ill, but i'm sadden at the fact that i for one will not be going through a wedding. occasionally i would feel robbed, but mostly i wonder what would it be like to walk down hundreds of people, with the love of your life walking by your side. i wonder if it would be funny to have a gay wedding planner, who would fuss over you, from your make-up to your gown, to the details of your dais, and i wonder who i complain at the overwhelming attention. i wonder if the love of my life would take a look at me, and like all love songs, feels that i've '...taken his breathe away...' i wonder when he slipped the ring onto my finger, would my future flash by me, and would my foot finally pop when he kiss me.

i guess you must be wondering if i have been watching one time too many wedding shows.

i haven, but as time passes i realise that maybe dugong might not be keen in wanting the same thing as i do. afterall he has gone through it all, and i never, so to go through it all again would just be mundane, boring, and mostly lame for him. its been hard for me to share my thoughts lately. everything has been nothing more than a big mess and i wish i could sort out my thoughts. i have been sadder lately than i would ever have been, and its hard for me to get the words out...

i just wish... somewhere out there, someone is listening to me.

Take A Bow

2009-11-28T17:59:00.002+08:00

i have not write as often as i should. so many things have happen lately, changes going around my life that i'm not sure if its the right ones. i dont even know where to begin. i've been going through weird emotions one after another, and its like an endless circle of false facade. a charade that never seems to end.

what do you do now that the love of your life no longer feels the same way as you do? do you hide behind the empty mask, or do you come forward and do something about the whole thing? if you are unsure just as i am, i'm not surprise. i never know what to do in situations like this. when the love of your life stops loving you, do you still cling on to hope, or like all great love stories, do you give way and hope that someday you will have the one true love in your life.

was moving around st james past few nights. i skipped movida. i dont mind the band set but when james spins, it gets really boring. no wonder people loved powerhouse and boiler's dj set. it was seriously good lah! i'm not kidding. i enjoyed myself tremendously and so did my guests. i was just people-watching the whole night i was at powerhouse and even that was enough to make me happy. pretty much hanging out with zul, mk, wong and bri. i kept biting my thumb whenever we enter boiler, zul had to smack my hand to make me stop. cant help it! nervous reflex.

i'm having problems writing obviously... thats why my thoughts dont seem to make sense, and the direction is not as smooth as always. i wish i could explain, but its a whole lot of mess right now. i wish i can talk to someone about it but i'm not sure who i can trust entirely about it.

but the thoughts... its been circling my mind for a while now. circling, and seems to get stronger by the minute. the image, getting clearer and clearer, and though no fault of others, seems to feel so right to me.

i need meat. fresh meat.

Some Kind Of Satisfaction Please...

2009-11-19T01:14:00.002+08:00

i think most of you have heard by now that i have return to st james. not because i could not find a better job, or i was seriously damage in the head, but partially it was because i missed the place.. and yet somehow now that i am back i find it changed so drastically that i could no longer find the love that i used to have for the place. the kind of love that used to render me useless with its presence. right now i dread going there, partially also because of the fact that the people that i fooled around with have left. its safe to say that i am friendless here within the company.

it has always been hard for me to make new friends. i make them easily, but to keep them is another thing. i'm not one for mindless chatter, and hearing whiny, not-funny jokes always makes me cringe. i can shop alone for hours, watch a movie on my own, and remain perfectly at ease, which i know is hard for some to grasp and concept. my mom for own thinks i'm strange, and so it was comfort thought that zul, st james's talented creative designer is also a closet loner (...though if you really look at his antics you would think otherwise...) so now that zul and pammy are leaving, who else can i fool around with, tease my hours away? its already really hard for me there, with some people assuming that i'm there to take over their place. i cant do saturday ops meeting and my hr manager takes up too much responsibility that he can barely arrange his thoughts. the thing is everybody seems to be doing so many things at one shot, that it just doesnt seem flourish with good results. like bambam said, "you pay peanuts, you get monkeys..." oh boy, i sure hope you excluded me out on that.

me and dugong have been picking up fishing recently. he enjoys the hobby, and me? i enjoy doing stuff with him. though i seriously think i am 100% useless since i cant put my own bait, catch my own fish, but i enjoy watching people pulling up fish after fish. i think its cool. i have a long way to go, but one thing for sure. i'm seriously quite the cook. twice he caught the fish, and not only did i taught him how to clean and gut the fish, i also cooked the fish(es) in different cooking methods! and they tasted AWESOME!!! with the limited ingredients and all...

i am presently looking for more assignments. hopefully a different gig, with so many people leaving the company, i dont really look forward to staying there any longer, and with so many conflicts, i always wind up feeling seriously down.

i need more satisfaction in my life... seriously soon.

Stop Draggin' My Heart Around

2009-11-10T00:30:00.002+08:00

awesome cover by rob thomas and joss stone.

cant wait to meet ayang later... going to buy my new pair of converse. how exciting is that? i wanted to get for him converse too but he claimed that he will wear out the shoes really fast, so we're probably going to get adidas or something else.

will upload the pictures for you guys to see soon!

A Round Of Hellos...

2009-10-26T01:34:00.002+08:00

it has been a while since i last blogged...

well for starters, you should know that i have been having gastric for the past 2 weeks. after coming back from tioman island (...which is quite lovely...) it got really bad. so bad that i could barely stand straight and i had to resort to taking baby steps even when i want to go across the room. i was hospitalised on tuesday night, and this was after waiting for more that 8 hours. its suspected that i have severe gastric and gall stones, and this will be pending my results next month, which is about the same period of time with my thyroid as well. oh what joy.

staying at the hospital (SGH) was awesome. i was in the ward all by myself. it was an A1 ward and i have TV access, with personal toilet, china ware... fresh sheets everyday. i simply cannot complain. nobody nagging or breathing down my neck, the only spoiler was knowing that my direct boss, fat man played me out. urgh. i need to talk to him and set things straight. totally unbelievable.

and you guys have to watch the following video. the following cheerleader took a swine flu vaccine shot and somehow she got really sick. its awful!

your heart simply goes out to her. despite her condition, she completed a 8km marathon under one hour. it sure makes you think again about how you've been running your life doesn't it? you can read more about it generation rescue.

hopefully i get to blog more... i have quite abit on my mind lately. we'll talk soon. and off course congratulations to Xiaxue for winning several awards at the recent blog award! weather's looking really good today. hopefully so is the day itself...

Live... From My E63

2009-10-12T10:13:00.002+08:00

i'm trying to blog from my phonE. Thought it would be cool you see. Besides having receive a complimentary phone from M1 (...one that behaves 50% like a blackberry...) must have its virginity cracked by me posting an entry @blogger via the said-and-profound E63.

But i am facing a tad of difficulties... With its tiny keypads, and my overly large gorilla fingers i keep making spelling errors.

This is no joke.

Right To Be Wrong...

2009-10-09T08:00:00.002+08:00

i wore bright red lipstick on tuesday. no occasion. just felt compel to dress up ever since i started day operations. breaking away from the usual grey and black monochrome could not have been any better. i have been busy lately. mostly busy doing backlogging. i could not have asked for anything better. i needed my time to be busy and packed anyway. so this was good. i am hoping it gets busier and busier, jammed packed that i have no time for anything else.

its been mixed reactions ever since i started my new post. the crummy thing about coming back was to find most of my gang are leaving to other ventures. so i'm stuck sitting in this dark, bad, negative air. i'm not exaggerating but the people at SJ are so angry, so competitive... it was hardly the conducive environment to start a training centre.

i met trudi chong yesterday. she's doing l&d for watson. oh how i've missed her. she was always so positive, always so cheerful that you cant help but to catch her infectious cheerful nature. that is until you come back to SJ and the negative air just latches onto you. rai got promoted to senior manager and everyone's not contented with that, apparently they dont think he deserves it. i have no comments on that matter. i was away if you guys recalled. 60% of the staff that resigned are now with wavehouse. on tuesday when i went by for site recee, i saw so many of the staff there that i made a full u-turn. i dont know what to say nor how to act. should i have wave hellos? would it be awkward for them? or more for me?

dugong and me remains pretty much the same. he tells me he missed me a bit, and i had to take that as a positive sign. the only thing now, i feel so drained that i'm becoming unsure. i know i love him, but i'm no longer sure if the feeling is mutual. nana asked me if i want to continue... i do... but if he doesnt i respect his decision and make do for a new wave of life. i'm not the kind that will beg someone to stay nor force them should we no longer agree on the same thing in life. it was too much of a hassle and at the end of the day, i wound up knowing that he never wanted to be with me in the first place.

met the SGP gang for drinks on wed at 'm-by-the-river' (gallery hotel). it was so nice to be away for cocktails at 9 in the evening, chilling out with friends catching up, laughing. i laughed so hard my sides ache all night but it was so worth it! i wished i brought my camera, but me being blessed with the memory of a goldfish forgotten the most essential item of the night, but it was wonderful anyway. i missed this team especially my manager, rhiannan. no other manager comes close.

its 3 more weeks to payday and i'm running broke already. anyone with a spare coin collection can? i might hit the town during the weekend for some survivial change.

Blue Moon...

2009-10-05T22:19:00.003+08:00

finally resumed duties again today after a hiatus. feels rather grand about it, partly because i get to see the old guys. so many changes that for a while i wonder if its the same place, but heck i didnt really care... i get to eat as much junk foods! since i have quite a bit of junk lovers - namely mr french and sweet-tooth boy. you combine these two together and they can empty out candy empire's flagship store. yes... thats how much these two loves chocolate... and sweets for the latter.

finally worked things out with ayang and trying to come to a compromise... waiting to see the changes as usual.

i need a new bag somehow i think my current bag spoilts the whole look and i dont have any other bag, which bums me out big time. unfortunately because pay day seems like a million light years away i can only do so if someone generously donates. so any takers? ;)

i have quite a bit of ground to cover at work so unfortunately i cant blog as much as i want but hey - i will be back soon with more stories and pics ok?

and for the random passerby... this is my blog. my entries. i write what i see, what i feel, what i think, because there is no such thing as out-of-body experience you wont know what i went through, nor i towards you. its so easy to judge and quick to point the golden finger after the dust has settle, but lets be fair shall we? you are to be blame for whatever comes your way. fair share. i think i take enough heat from this matter already so its actually credit due. you think of what you want of your love ones, for what we think matter most then what others think. dont have to read the blog even, in fact nobody forced anybody to read the entries. its meant for me, for me to read and reflect on my past, not for anybody else. as a person, i think i have shown you thoroughly great respect, as a woman, i have said before i wish nothing upon you nor your family, i wish you well. so goodbyes are in order (i hope they're permanent these time round...) there will be a time when the truth will emerge, but thats not for me to say any further. i dont see the need. my friends know the truth, i know... and most of all God knows, and thats enough.

anyway... saw the blackberry pearl on my mom's women's weekly magazine. not available in singapore, but cant help falling in love with it. a sight for sore eyes, simply too gorgeous!!! i'll write again soon. keep your hearts open, and your brain thinking please... xoxo

My Heart... Are Like Yours...

2009-10-03T16:23:00.004+08:00

i cant read your mind ayang, but i try to pretend i can. most of all i always try to make life easier for you, enjoyable... pleasant and interesting. i'm not often very good at it but at least i'm trying. you've been so distant from me for a while already, and i've been swimming against the current, fighting against the waves hoping that you will be able to tell me, or give me some hints at whatever is it that is bothering you.

if you are sick of me, or if there is someone else in the picture, i hope you would be truthful enough to tell me, if there is one thing i consider myself good at, being truthful in my relationships. that is one nobody can say otherwise. whenever my partner ask, though i may haw a bit... in the end i always reveal the truth and likewise i hope you will too. its been a while that you have been behaving like this and i am at my wits end thinking what is it that is bothering you. you ask for space, distance but couples who are in love... they dont really ask for that do they? after so long being together... how much distance do we really need? i can try for our sake to give you all the time it takes for you to come back to me, even when it hurts me so much that i find myself whithering away.

but i do not want to do so... if you're just making use of me as a port until your next destination, the least you could do, after all i've done for you - would be to make an effort and tell me the truth, whatever it is that is running through your thoughts, this very moment...

because ayang my heart is mine to give to whom I will.. But it is fragile like yours.. and like yours it needs love to grow. Like yours, it does not blossom on hatred and anger, and like yours it is constantly searching for companionship. One that will last for eternity...

You Shall Remain In The Past...

2009-10-01T18:11:00.003+08:00

how do i say this without offending anybody? for a while there i stood amidst the crowd wondering how shall i pen my entry with no intention of insulting nor wounding anybody. i was eager to write as always but i thought this time i will try to be careful. with more readers reading my blog entries on a daily basis, i thought i should mince my words with care, though not as plenty as xiaxue's (...not even 1/8 close) the precious few that i have with me right now are judging my every move, watching my next move. i wonder if i was brave enough to confront the situation at hand right now, but the truth is i'm not. i dont wish to confront anybody, nor do i wish to justify my actions lately. somehow along the way, mankind have failed me yet again. i do wonder off course if it was the other way around - had i fail mankind yet again? what had ever happen to the goodness of the world?

by now, most of my close friends would have heard of the fiasco between myself, HP and wayan, what i had hope and pray for prevention is now coming true. what i have been praying hard for is not realising its way into my life once again. i had so often hope that this nightmare would go away and not come back, and it was at my own doing, the hope for goodness in mankind that i pledge friendship with HP. this was all within the coursework of dugong. i dont keep anything from him, and never will. somehow, things were blown out of proportions and now wayan is filing for divorce. does it make me the scandalous woman in this scandalous affair? i think not. while i plead guilty for thinking "friendship" was possible, i did nothing to push for a divorce. even when wayan keep insisting that HP loves me, i was sure it was not possible, because my readers, and my fellow friends would know that its not true. how can a man, selfish except for his own needs would love anyone else but himself?

like nana said, "if they divorce so what, he wont change. he will remain as the flirty man that he is (sic), only she will love him for who he is. why not be grateful for that?" for a while there i stood affixed with the remainder of my sunset. it was true. i will never be happy with HP, i cant never be happy with him. my father left my family when i could barely stand on my 2 feet, why would i now want to be with a man who chooses to leave his family for another woman? i could never forgive myself if that was true. i was adamant that should wayan choose to divorce it would be at her own accord and i choose to take no blame for it.

yes. it was true HP made the contact. it was true i offered friendship. it was true that it went hay wired... but it was also true that not once did we talked about love, nor attempt to reconcile with each other. it was also true that i stayed clean this time and make no move to be with him. after all that had happen, could you blame me? this was a man who was never by my side when i needed him, so now why would i want to be with him?

even... even if dugong were to leave me, and if our love fails this test of time. i bear no hatred towards anybody. this is my fate so to speak, to bear beneath the weight of time. if dugong is the last man in my life, and so be it for i am blessed to have a man who had loved me as much as i loved him, and that he was there for me when i falter against time, when i succumbed to my illness. that he was with me through my mood swings, my weight gain or weight loss, something which you HP could never do. i am lucky for the past years being able to spend festive seasons with my family, not hiding in the car, shuttling from one shadow to another. i dont hate you, but believe me when i say i dont want to have anything to do with you anymore.

dont send cards, letters my way. they go unattended. please do not offer me friendship as i had made the mistake of believing in the goodness of you. be wise and return to the one woman who had stood by you, love you, cherish you... for i doubt i can do the same. had you being mine, i would have surely left you ages ago. fortunately for you, she remains, transfixed by the very nature of you. i wish you well, and i hope we never crossed paths again... believe me my friend when i told you that this "girl-of-yours" has grown wiser over the years. i no longer fall for those silly charms of yours, nor those sweet nothings. in my eyes, you only ceased to be part of my past, a mere figment of my imagination...

goodbye old friend... may the turn of fate treats you well...

F1 Paddock Club 2009 Team = AWESOME!

2009-09-30T23:07:00.001+08:00

I present to you guys my f1 paddock club 2009 team! these are the same bunch who stuck through 3 whole days, more than 8 hours of labour, smiling & greeting making sure that every guests' experience is a unique one...

awesome bunch seriously. you cant get anywhere better than this... kudos to all!

Take A Hike... The OTHER Way Please...

2009-09-29T19:26:00.005+08:00

i never really think much about it, but apparently its true. people do read my blog and because i didnt lock my blog properly as it should have been its kinda available in the open now. apparently everytime i linked up to something, my blog sneak its existence into the internet realm once more. well fine. so i know now that miss abu-bakar reads my blog. maybe not a fan, but she does read it. since i doubt we will be great friends afterwards, i thought i would take the this opportunity to clear up some withstanding doubts.

late afternoon, tengku decided to ring me. i ignore his call since i was talking to dugong, and then afterwards i returned the call. even before he answered i knew something was up. i chose not to push it so we made small talk, about the weather, the f1, the raya, and then finally he bang me with a surprise. "...hey el, miss abu-bakar read one of your entry and she's damn pissed and sad about the whole thing..."

like the friend i am, i apologise that she stumbled upon my blog, as i dont remember mentioning her name. i asked if everything was ok, and if he need some form of help, and tengku being tengku rejected politely. he only ask that i try to be friends with her and understand that its not easy for her since we had our past and such. i didnt apologise for my blog though. freedom of speech. i do apologise that you got upset about the whole thing, but i was stating the truth was i not? anyway here's what i would like to clear up on:

1. i'm not out to condemn you. you started this whole thing by emailing me on facebook. if that was not enough you had to put your foot-into-your-mouth during the iftar session. whats with the sarcasm huh? if its not for tengku's being there, i would have love to give you a tongue lashing. or maybe not. takes up too much of my energy. and dont plead ignorance. mami heard, bob felt it, seri was embarrassed. you were there because tengku had to bring you, but no need to make your presense felt ok? no need to impress us. just tengku is fine. orang dulu kata, "masuk kandang kambing mengembek, masuk kandang kerbau menguak", pandai-pandai lah awak menyesuaikan diri dengan tempat dan keadaan.

2. you hate me because of my friendship with tengku? we were great friends then and remain as one now. yes there were some heartaches involve, but thats over now. i look forward to tengku's happiness. if it means tengku have to stop his friendship with me because of you (...which i'm predicting is soon...) then so be it. he's more important to me than you ever will be. so maybe we cant be friends anymore, but you still cant take away the memories.

3. lighten up. so i get it you have a degree, and acting principal for some kindergarten, your family's super rich that you can wave your credit card anytime, you're pious... blah blah blah... but lack of manners and EQ. i dont give a rat arse that you're marrying tengku, all i'm asking on his behalf is to cut him some slack, trust him for being that wonderful person that he is, stop jumping on his neck, be nice to him, respect him as a husband-to-be and not make stupid, petty, outrageous demands 24-7! dont spring last minute suprise (like a reservation at some restaurant) and then howl 'unfair' when he cant make it. duh. you want to do a surprise, rain check lah sikit cik adik oi...

4. he is the LAST person who will cheat on you, the LAST person who will tell you how unhappy he is. how about you get off that high-mighty pedestal of yours and think whether tengku is happy or not? a little bit of understanding wont kill you, let him hang out with his friends, talk to his old mates. find out what makes him, the way he is now. i so feel you when you find out you got cheated, but seriously? you're one time thing wont make it to the straits time if you ask me. lets not over-dramatize it shall we? its a one time thing by some lousy ex, dont condemn the rest of the world. learn to trust. you need tips? feel free to ask.

5. i'm guessing the next time we meet, you wont give me the time of the day. dont say i never try. i'm cool with it. now get off tengku's back. he didnt write the entries i did, so stop hawking on him like some mother eagle, and dont print it please. save the earth. global warming remember?

6. and no... i'm not jealous of you. you have nothing of which deserves my insane jealousy. i dont wish to be like you either. and no... i dont want to be in your shoes. i may not have your degree, but unlike some people, there are a few of us who had to work hard to support their family, BUT amongst the few of us, should there be a need to stand against you - we still earn more than you, see more than you, get more love than you, and we dont have to threaten our loved ones with tears and howling sessions.

the next time you see any of us (...i'm including myself here...) learn to come over and say 'hi'. smile eg sakura restaurant during iftar. get involve in the session. know that its ok to be humble, and tegur-sape, salam. jangan sibuk tengok meatball ajer.

Eid Mubarak 2009 & The Race Circuit

2009-09-21T20:50:00.004+08:00

all in one week. macam mana tak penat? hari raya falls on 20th september 2009. it was even more wonderful this year. i didnt have to work the few days prior the special day so i was busy setting up the house. we took nur (my niece...) out with us this year. she was a last minute additional add on. she helped to make one of the kuih raya even. chocolate koko krunch with its colourful tiny beads. we didnt get to go to many houses this year as dugong and elly woke up late and we could only go out after they have reach my place. we then went about trying to hit as many houses as possible, but being the festive season as it is we wound up staying longer than planned. i lost count the number of ketupats we had... the greedy pig that i am...

me and salina will be doing our own raya outing, since many could not be bothered to join us or even give a proper confirmation. save for tengku and his fiancee, the rest were uncertain, zul refuse to go because he has to pay for transport, and i had to pacify him. i was against the transport idea too, but tengku's fiancee miss abu-bakar hates public transport. haiz. dont know who's gathering this belongs to. her's or ours? poor tengku. no wonder he dreads november. he's gonna be chained for life for eternity! no worries hunn, you're more than welcome to crash at our melbourne's house whenever you want to ok? the sofa bed's all yours! ;)

i will be very busy with f1 for the weekend. just finished a round of orientation with the kids today. i'm the assistant manager for the paddock club. working with rhiannan ingram, she's from australia and she's simply awesome! dont ask me which team will i be rooting for. cant tell the difference, but i guess it should be hamilton since he lost last year. since its my first time doing this i'm super excited about it. dugong simply shooks his head since i fail to tell the difference who-is-who and he is pretty sure they gave the wrong job to the wrong person! i figured dugong's just plain jealous! hahaha.. sorry love... here's a quick picture of the grandstand. more awesome pictures but i couldnt put my fingers on the camera since photography is a strict no-no! its a pity. i know many of you would love to take over my place right - especially my gentle giant. next year ok ayang?

it will be such a tight week that i know i wont be seeing many of you... but i want you guys to know that i will thoroughly miss you. anyway, i just want to wish you guys a Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir Batin... may you spend this festive season with your loved ones and may the years that comes brings good fortune and happiness to you. have a great year ahead and not too much rendang please! :) salam lebaran semua! xoxo

Fidyah... Food... Hari Raya!

2009-09-15T13:09:00.006+08:00

this year i learn about fidyah... and i set upon it as my task at hand to accomplished paying it. for the benefit of all fidyah is a way for those who are not able to fast due to age, long term illness etc. to share in the reward of fasting, and is obligatory upon them if they can afford it. the fidyah is to feed a poor person for each day of fasting missed. the scholars have said it is sufficient to provide a single poor person with two meals for every day missed, or to feed lots of people a meal on a single day. so using a fidyah calculator i calculate the amount that i would have to pay. i have to pay $2835 worth of fidyah. to be fair, this was over a span of 14 years, 30 days, to clarify further - i did fast, just that i cant remember how many days i skipped and mama thought it was advisable to pay for a whole month. while instead of paying one shot i thought i would pay over the months. next thing now is to call MUIS and ask if that is possible. bayar installments lah konon nyer... alamak... how else?

you can off course make your payment for fidyah online now so you don't have to go to the mosques personally to do it. salina had this twisted thing in her mind that if she go to the mosque to pay, the pak cik & mak ciks' would probably stare hard at her and 'tsk tsk tsk' all the way till thy kingdom comes. i agreed with her 100% thats for sure. knowing our cheeky faces, they would probably be thinking. kids nowadays... sigh...neither one of us was THAT willing to give them that satisfaction anyway. i rather do it online. kwang kwang kwang. on friday i'm going to hit geylang serai with salina, not sure if tengku can get away from his fiancee. its going to be so fun. it will be crowded, but still fun. i always love crowded places especially geylang serai's bazaar. the food, noise. you can find curtains, bedsheets, 101 different types of food from burger ramli, to fried 'you tiao'... ah well just thinking about it makes me salivate. the bazaar always feel more festive when compared to any other bazaars.

this month is sure to be a fattening month for many of us. the diet plans gonna have to take a seat back, and perhaps only return to make its presence felt next month. with the mooncake festival right around the corner, hari raya puasa this coming sunday, you will find yourself squeezing food into every corner of your tummy. with the recent innovative and creative recipes for mooncakes, you can get ALMOST any flavoured-mooncake without having to pay for an exhortibant amount! and jangan lah lupa... ketupat (rice cakes) and rendang (beef curry) that our dear parents will make. ish.. i really can't wait. this year also slightly more special than the previous years tau.

this year, dugong and me will officially make our first rounds as an engaged couple, then tomorrow we are going to buy my baju kurung. we're wearing blue this year, and compared to last year we're only getting one suit. dugong is flying off to louisiana the following week and i will be busy with my SGP, so looks like not much visiting will be made this year. sedih kan? (...save duit sikit! ha ha ha...)

and the next best news, i lost weight! i know its not really that 'wow', but believe me standing at 70kg, being called 'fat', 'pig' was enough to castrate my ego and morale. when tengku commented that i have lost some weight, i could feel the blood rush to my head! i did a tiny skip upon hearing his remarks. i felt so happy! :) wouldn't you? hopefully with the constant taking of HRT, my thyroid would be revive and yeay... my metabolism would pick up. off course my hormones a tad off but then again which woman isn't? i'm waiting for my lunch break. eager to catch a nap or two, the air-con's super strong so i'm seriously sleepy right now... bah - i thought we're a mission to save the earth? why the need to blast the aircon? tsk.

Small Red Hearts

2009-09-15T10:06:00.005+08:00

we break fast together. for a while i stayed in my corner, afraid to approach him lest he gets angry with him. afterwards we started chatting about sports, tv shows, caught some crappy-oh-so-fake (...don't bother watching it..) "lost tapes" about some journalists who travels far and wide to uncover strange tales. we cuddled for abit, i even manage a short rest on his huge belly...

this morning he dropped me some nice messages... and then here am i finding myself feeling all happy again, more happier than usual. its this little acts that i often find myself leaning towards, not a thousand roses, a jet trip to spain. i don't need big displays of affections. those small red hearts are enough for me. i know its lame, but when the man you love give you some sign of hope, you take it as a chance that perhaps... it would be a sign that things might just be okay...

Its Not Fair... I Think You're Really Mean...

2009-09-14T12:00:00.005+08:00

i feel mostly alone nowadays. what use to be special now feels so empty, what used to be full of colours is now dark. i often wonder what exactly went wrong, and what did i do wrong. at times i feel like i should never have opened up my heart and let my guard. at least i know i wouldn't have to have my heart broken into pieces. now that my aching heart is taking a beating, i wonder who's fault was it to begin with in the first place? i read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray and in one of the chapter, he wrote how men when under stress and pressure would retreat into their "caves" until they have a solution to the problem. i would be ok (...albeit not pleased about it...) but at least i can take it better than what he is doing now.

he keeps saying that he is tired, mentally exhausted over work and that is why he is pushing me away, but when i'm being thrown hot or cold attitude day after day, it is enough to drive anyone crazy. lately i am so afraid to say anything to him at all, that we don't feel like we're together. it feels like he is purposely trying to make me call off the engagement, for whatever reasons i'm unclear off. maybe he's worried that if he called it off he will get into trouble, and well if i do called it off, its not the first time i chase controversy anyway. i wish he would tell me though, if he wants to end things, at least you know... i don't have to go through this by myself. i feel alone most of the time, like there is no one there for me, and i don't know if i can depend on him anymore. any comments from me would be met with a curt retort. i'm dealt with this on an almost daily basis.

its not really THAT bad. like he did pick me up yesterday after i met up with the old rt guys at arab street. he did msg me this morning though it was short, i dont really know what is in his mind right now though i am wishing i do. mummy juliah thinks if he is not interested i shouldn't even bother trying so hard, it just seems to her a waste of time. do you guys think the same way too? nana thinks i'm stupid for still fighting when its obvious he's no longer interested in me anymore. i never thought i would be going through this. i'm hoping that this phase of his would go away.. but it seems relentless. its as if he enjoys taking a beating, or seeing me go down on my knees. ya Allah... hambamu ini pinta darimu, supaya buka lah hati dia itu...

****************************************

on a much lighter note...

met up with the old rt gang yesterday!!! whee... not as many people as i would like it to be but its ok. at least got people rather than nobody at all? finally get to face front with tengku's fiancee. all voted her as unfriendly and snobbish. alamak, how dah like that? she's super vocal lah... and the best part was this, bobby jones stupidly remarked, "must be fun eh work at childcare..." and she snapped back at bobby, "...not anybody can work this line. you need a DEGREE." wahhhh... i told salina that she will sure like salina like that then cos salina has a degree, not a half baked one like mine, but a REAL, HARD-EARNED, ONLY SMART PEOPLE CAN GET, so i cajole her into wearing her graduation gown during our hari raya gathering. sure kick some a** lah like that! she launched into a show-off session by telling mummy about how they got their own flat, their OWN home, and the sad sad sad story about the red picanto. not just ANY picanto, but a RED picanto. ok ok we get it, you're better than us a million times over. ok next diva please, this miss abu-bakar (ash) here is seriously too overrated for my worth, and i just want to add that i actually 'salam' her despite all my misgivings! (1 point for miss athena)

the good thing is i get to see all my favourite people. salina didn't turn up since she had some sports carnival, and was decked in shorts so she refuse to haul her a** to arab street, abdullah was busy trying to take over some non-existing world, while zul... our dear craig-david-tak-menjadi was as usual busy studying. (i don't really know what he is studying but its been 6 years and he still haven graduate), seri's RAM is slightly faster now, latched on to most of the jokes. we don't have to repeat it more than twice! yeayyy!!! we catch up oodles, talked about some weird stuff, my recuperation, and my maybe-maybe-not thyroid operation, bobby jones brought his new soon-to-be-but-denying-hard GF, some girl named candy. have i told you i hated girls with this kind of bimbotic names? apple, candy, lolly... its literally screaming out to everybody, "i have an IQ of 55. shoot me." they say out actually, they don't scream out. ain't smart enough. i miss this bunch of people, seriously. right now they provide much needed relieve from my stress.

on saturday we (...as in me, dugong, elly & nur) went to the ben's and jerry's chuck fest at the marina barrage. we came really late, reached there about 9pm so the games and stuff were long gone except for the concert. dugong and the kids were bored, so afterwards we head down to the fountain area where they successfully got themselves really wet. it would have been fun if i had went earlier, but since i missed out on it, hopefully next year i will be able to catch it earlier.

i'm sending out hari raya cards this year to some long lost friends. i thought it would be awesome to catch up with them again, after all these years. i wonder what it would be like to received a card from me after being missing for like ages. if it was me i would probably buying 4-D. might even strike a windfall. a card from miss athena after being missing for years is not something to be taken likely.

amidst coffee, bobby jones retort that he thinks dugong is seriously lucky, because knowing me i would have gone and retaliated much worse. i ponder about what he said and pushed him further, prompting for more. "come on lah... you turned good for him. you know how hard is that? knowing what kind of lifestyles we use to have, if you turn around a full 360 he would have lost you forever. whatever he's doing now... god knows... but he's lucky." i shrugged. who's to say who's lucky and who's the unlucky one? pendek was stuck in a loveless marriage, but blessed with 3 kids, is he the lucky one or the unlucky one? bibik is living with another man despite still being married, is she the lucky one or the unlucky one? seriously - luck, is a tricky business indeed.

Charity Ride & Many More...

2009-09-06T23:14:00.001+08:00

it has been a while since i last blogged. not that i have been away or anything, but lately i have been spending more time at dugong's place especially for breaking fast, since mama is away in the evening for prayers, i hate having to eat alone, so i would pop by his place and afterwards either i head home, or i stay over. i'm also prepping myself for his 2 month holiday-cum-work gig. he told me he might go over to las vegas and alarm bells start ringing in my head, and then common sense seats in, and i pretty much calmed down. i also accompanied dugong and elly to buy their baju kurungs (..malay traditional garb..) but none for me this year since i have not manage to stable my financial status. bummer. would love to have a new piece.

on saturday we went to sakura buffet at clementi woods park. for $25/- you can pretty much all you can eat. its 2 levels, and quite a variety of choices. not recommended for small tummies since its a buffet and you HAVE to eat your life's worth of food. i chanced upon tengku. he was there with his fiancee. he dropped by to say 'hi', ditto about the fiancee. she's there somewhere. not that eager to meet her after our last fiasco anyway, but like nana said, "...in the month of Ramadhan, it is best we forgive and forget. make peace with as many as possible..." in her best make-peace-no-war voice. she does it with this slow nods punctuating every word for effect, not sure if she got it from professor zan. he does that. ALOT.

today we went to Jamiyah children's home, Darul Ma'awa. it was part of a charity ride organized by Bikers' Aid. they collected food ration at Darul Makmur, personally sending it all over singapore before heading down to Darul Ma'awa to socialize with the kids. they let the kids ride with them on the bikes circling around the area. interact with them, watch a few performances, some giving out a tip or two on life it self. its a very nice gesture guys!

group shot with kids from Darul Ma'awa...

here's a shoutout from the boys of LTK Supermoto. it took them close to 10 shots before they could finally sit still. i didnt manage to record the 'proper' but this was close enough. i thought they were super charming! anyway, i hope your week was equally interesting and meaningful.

The World As It Is To Me... Right Now...

2009-09-01T06:29:00.004+08:00

i recently added skype into my laptop. its a software application that allows me to make almost free internet calls, smses especially to my peepz out there who are overseas. i had to have the skype installed during my extremely short stint with naughty-g. because david was always in australia, this was the one of the many ways that we could contact him, minus the hefty bills. i'm hoping also that when dugong goes overseas next month, we are able to connect via skype. this is off course under the assumption that there is WiFi in louisiana.

its day 11th of the fasting month, and out of the 11 days i manage to get 2 days. 7 days were out since i was surfing the crimson tide, while one of it was out of pure laziness. i can be such a pig that i am. while i'm at insulting myself i like to give myself a pat on my back. recently i think i am more well-behaved than normal, in the sense, that i'm home more often, i try not to scream or shout at my family member which is really not alot since there is only my mom and myself. i stopped being paranoid over the small stuff and basically just try to keep myself busy. that little weird streak of mine, where i just have to plan my days? its still there in me 100%. that one i cant really get rid of it.

uncle d called last night right after we break fast asking me if i want to join him to set up a training department. i practically jumped at the chance! it totally made me so happy that i made peace with dugong. (...this despite the fact that i was rather unhappy with him since he refuse to be photograph by me...) we made the slight discussion, abit of planning here and there that i even offer on my own accord to come back one of these days to visit him. i am rather nice am i not?

i've been floating around the banks lately. from UBS, ML & CS. its like i dont really have a home but i've always enjoyed travelling and not staying at a place no more than a week. i have to go now. its time to work. talk soon... xoxo